First
by Somewhere-Out-Here
Summary: Every First Time of different thigns are special: The first Smile, the first Kiss, the first Time. But After the events of Mockingjay they have to find each other again and have second 'First Times'. Set before 'Real or not real.' Rated M for last chapter
1. The First Smile

**This is my impression of w****hat could have happened at the end of Mockingjay. So these are little stories of Peeta und Katniss growing back together, set somewhere before ****"Real or not real?"**** and the epilogue. Just because, every first time has a special meaning, although it can be the second first time. The whole story is out of Katniss POV. ****  
Warnings: Well, Haymitch's alcoholism, evil geese, later: adult situations, first HG-story ever****  
Rating: M (at least the very last chapter)****  
Disclaimer: Hunger Games belongs to Suzanne Collins****.****  
_****  
****  
**1. The First Smile

I watch Peeta the whole time, while he is digging the wholes for the primrose bushes. I don't know if he had noticed me. He doesn't show any sign, if he had.

He was already busy with the third hole, when I left the house with Buttercup cleaning his fur, ignoring me for a while. I know he is grieving for Prim, just like I do. Seeing that stupid cat makes me feel all the sadness clutching me again, trying to pull me back into this greyness with its tentacles. Yet, I try to refuse to give up this little part of living, again.

My breath catches in my throat, when Peeta straightens a little bit, brushing the sweat of his forehead. I push myself a little bit closer to the house wall, feeling the coolness against my seemingly hot cheek and for the first time I notice a blush on my cheeks, after all this time.

Peeta grabs the last primrose bush with such a gentleness I missed after the hijacking. I touch carefully my throat, remembering the first time he touched me again and I fight the tears I feel in my eyes.

No, I won't cry, I tell myself over and over again. There is nothing to cry about in this very moment.

He is on his knees now, covering the plant's roots with earth, after he had straightened it. Of course, he doesn't want the bush to grow diagonal from the ground. He was always an artist and he still is. He wants to finish his work with perfection, just like his paintings.

It's wonderful, looking at his work and I have to suppress a sigh. With the look on his face, I can tell, he is pleased himself. He turns and grabs the watering can, hidden from my few behind the wheelbarrow.

When the water hits the green leaves and soft blossoms, the start glittering in the sunlight, like little diamonds and it makes the scene even more beautiful. I think there even was a tiny rainbow, created by sunlight and the rain-like water drops.

I had seen a rainbow once before. It was at the lake with my father on a quiet hot summer's day. The sun was shining all the time and I swam around in the lake, while father had tried to hunt game, which wasn't cooling somewhere in hidden shadows, like most of the people would do. It had begun raining out of sudden and I swam as quickly as I could back to the bank, where he was already waiting for me, grinning, two squirrels in one hand, his bow in the other. When I asked him, why we is still waiting and why we were not returning home, he said, I should just wait and see.

And there it was: A faint rainbow over the trees and over my lake, each color brighter, than I could remember it from home. The first time I had seen those colors again, where in the Capitol.

I feel a soft touch on my shoulder and look up from the ground, noticing my eyes were not on Peeta anymore. But now I am meeting his brilliant blue eyes, with a slight gleam in them – another thing I have missed since his hijacking.

"I am finished." He says, pointing behinds himself to show me his work. "Do you like it?"

I nod slowly, even before I laid my eyes on the primroses again.

"Thank you." I tell him in a faint whisper, using my voice after I had screamed at Buttercup, the first time again. "But it wasn't not your task, doing something like that for me." "But I wanted to."

I nod again. "Well, thank you. Again and again."

Out of sudden, a soft smile creeps on his features and the soft gleam emerges in his eyes again. A strange feeling hits me and my stomach feels warm and tight at the same time. It is the first real smile, I see on his lips. Not some creepy version of it, before he tries to kill me. It was a real one. On the other hand, I cannot believe, that this smile is meant for me, a person that has killed so many human beings in just so little time. A person, which is only a broken person of itself. A person, that is far away from the version of the Katniss Everdeen, he fell in love with.

I close my eyes for just a second and try to swallow that lump that is rising in my throat and chest again. At the same time I feel his fingers pressing closer on my skin, as if it was some kind of protection manner. I open my eyes again and see his smile still present on his lips, but the gleam in his eyes was now a little more serious.

"And I would do it, again and again."

He sounds just like the old Peeta again. My Peeta, I left behind in Snow's clutch and I know, He is slowly coming back to me.

"You smile. Real or not real?"

I blink and lift my own hand to my mouth, to find its corners slightly lifted up. As I notice this, I light up even more. And I whisper: "Real." And I decide, to explain it a little more. "I like you seeing like this, again."

We stood there, just like that, both smiling, his hand on my shoulder, mine on my lips, for some minutes, until he let go of me, turning slightly around.

"Well, then…", he stared, taking the few steps towards the wheelbarrow. "…, I will see, if I can find even more primroses. I want to see your smile. Again and again."


	2. The First Hug

**A bit longer this time and with a little ****bit of ****Haymitch and his crazy thoughts. ****  
****_**

2. First Hug

Smiling becomes easier and easier with each passing day. First it only appeared on my lips, when Peeta was near, doing something special – only for me. Like baking some cheese buns in front of my eyes, or planting even more primrose bushes around my house.

But as the time went on, I began to smile, when I wake up at morning, when the night was without any nightmares. Yes, I still have nightmares, even some particular vicious ones. Those are the nights I miss Peeta even more, while we are sleeping in separated beds, even separated houses. But we are far away from this step and I still do not know, how he would react, if I asked him, whether he wanted to sleep in my bed again, or not.

This day is one of those days that did not start with a nightmare. I greet it with a slight smile, when I notice the sun shining outside – not only greeting me, but also the primroses under the window.

I get up and hear a low hiss, when the covers cover Buttercup, where he slept. It is after all this time still a comforting manner. We are a bit closer in our relationship, but I know, Buttercup still hates me for nearly drowning him – somewhere deep down in his little cat brain.

With a mew he appears in the door way, after I have showered, waiting for me like a dog. When I dress, I avoid the reflection in the mirror. I fear the person on the other side, somebody I do not know anymore. I hate the scares, I see there, the pinkish skin, my own, not burned skin.

I dread the day, when Peeta will see me like this. My smile vanishes with that thought, quickly.

If we grow back together, it means, someday, that we will possibly closer, than we were before. That we won't share hugs, or soft protective touches, or kisses, but also our bodies. That means I will see him, naked and there is no way turning around, like I did at the first Hunger Games. I feel a light blush creeping on my cheeks.

And he will have to see me. I know that he won't think, I am beautiful. Not anymore.

Covered in some clothes, I leave the bathroom, Buttercup following close behind.

I hear the soft sound of boiling oil on the stove and smell fried bacon. My smile slowly re-appears on my lips, when I see Greasy Sae in the kitchen, preparing my breakfast and her granddaughter already eating something creamy out of a bowl.

"Good morning." I say, when I sit down on my chair, looking at the old woman's back.

She turns around, a big smile planted on her own, old features, while she holds a frying pan with the prepared bacon on one hand, a spatula in the other. "Morning child. I knew, you would be up by now. So, I made you some breakfast. Peeta was here, a few minutes ago. You missed him."

My eyes must have a strange size, when I hear this, since her granddaughter is giggling at me, behind her hand.

"He was?" I chough out, flustered at the fact, that he did not stay.

Greasy Sae nods. "Yes. He left, saying, he had something to do in town. But he left you some cheese buns. They are still fresh and warm. You should eat them, before they cool down."

I nod and at this moment, I notice the basked with the cheese buns on the counter not far from her. Peeta still knows how much I like them.

I feel the smile on my lips growing wider, but also a tear leaving the corner of my eye. Turning my head away, so they both would not notice it, I stand up and walk over to the woven basked. I take one bun, hold it close to my nose and inhale to smell of it. Of fresh bread and cheese and home and Peeta. It still smells like back then, before the war.

I break it in two halves, looking at the fluffy white dough in its middle and I see a light, small vapor cloud escaping its baked shell. The buns are more than fresh. Peeta must have baked them, just before he left his house.

After some time, I leave this nostalgia and take a bite, entering it even more. My eyes are watering up. These just smell like those, I left somewhere in my memory behind. Only better.

Real. I say to myself, taking another bite, chewing it as long as I can, until I swallow. I don't want that wonderful taste to leave my mouth.

I do not know, how long I stand there, just eating this one chees bun. But when I sit down again, the bacon and the scrambled eggs, Greasy Sae made afterwards, are slightly cooler, than they should be. But it doesn't matter, as long as I know, that more cheese buns are waiting for me and deep down I hope, Peeta will bake me some more.

They leave soon enough and I give Buttercup the remaining bacon, sparing the eggs, since I know that his stomach would hold it for long.

I feel like hunting today and I hope, I will see Peeta somewhere in town. I still do now know, why he left, without even greeting me, but I know he will explain it to me.

I stop, before I take my father's leather jacket.

What if he had another one of his flashbacks? Dr. Aurelius told me, while Peeta confirmed it, that he is not healed completely and from time to time, those nasty flashbacks break through. Peeta says, he can handle them now, but he doesn't want me near him, if he sees those creepy visions in front of his eyes. He is concerned that he would hurt me again, although his flashbacks won't last that long anymore. Yet, they are still as scary and twisted, as they were before.

I swallow down something thick in my throat, as I stare at the blank wall, next to the door, slowly leaving my own stillness.

Taking a deep breath, I leave my home, after I took the old bag for game and my bow, and the first thing I see, is Haymitch, drunken as ever, laying halfway on the front steps of his home, his eyes closed shut. Next to him lays an empty bottle of white liquor, another, seemingly half-filled in his hand.

He must have noticed me, as I shut the door behind me, bolting upright and his eyes shoot open. With a low groan, he holds his head. "Sweetheart…You are awake?"

I try to ignore him, walking past him, only greeting him with a low voice.

"Looks like you did not sleep well. You should drink something, to get better mood, just like me." I stop on my tracks, turning around and I look at him. I have to say, I am not sure, whether Haymitch was joking, or if he was completely serious. With the look on his face, I assume that it is the last.

I sigh, remembering all the good things, he had done for me, for Peeta and for both of us. Then I take a few steps closer in his direction, lowering myself next to him on the stairs. But I resist the temptation to hold my breath, when I sniffed his reeking odor.

Next to Peeta and Greasy Sae, Haymitch is one of those few people, I still want in this new life with me. He was and still is my mentor, some kind of father figure for both of us and I still own him my life.

These are some of the facts, why it can't be that bad to spend some time with him in the morning.

I snap back in reality, when he holds the liquor bottle in front of my eyes, but I refuse to take it.

"No." I tell him. "I don't need it. At least not anymore." "Ah. It has to do with Lover Boy, I assume." I growl, remembering the Careers calling him that.

"It's no information, that you need. And his name is Peeta, not Lover Boy." I say, just at the moment, when he takes a sip from the bottle. "It's okay, sweetheart. It is just my task as your mentor to make sure, that you two are alright. So, you are, I suppose." He is looking at me though is greasy hair and I know he is trying to focus me.

"Yes, we are." I nod slowly and stand up.

"Wait, wait, wait!" He waves drunkenly at me, with both hands. "I need to ask you something. I had a vision." Haymitch moves his hand, as if it was a magic trick and waits for me to sit down again. I merely roll my eyes and sit.

"What is it?" I ask annoyed, trying to count the minutes, I could have seen Peeta already.

"What about geese?", he asks and I do not understand. "Geese?" I ask and hope he can hear the concern in my voice. He nods. "Yes, geese. You know – those duck-like birds with wings and white feathers and black eyes, just like your soul, sweetheart." If he was not that drunk, I would have hit him with good measure.

"I know, what geese are." "I want to raise them." I am holding my breath, waiting for him to laugh out loud, but it never comes. Instead, he goes on explaining. "They are massive birds that can take care on their own, if I am disabled." "If you are too drunk." "And you can use their feathers, their flesh and they wake me, if there is an intruder in my house. They are better than dogs could ever be. Even better than your cat. You should think about it, too."

As he goes on with talking about geese and their benefits, I get him to stand and help him into his house, which needs a cleaning, just like Haymitch does. He still talks, when I close the door and I hope, the alcohol makes him soon forget his…idea.

I am now finally able to leave Victors Village and head into the direction of the square, where people have started to rebuild their homes and the shops, with their own power and machines the Capitol send us.

I see Thom, Gale's old crewmate and a few other ex-miners, who have found a new, limited work and I greet them. The old, bomb destroyed buildings are now completely removed, at least most of them.

As I get closer, I see soon a head with golden hair and his back turned in my direction. My heart speeds up, as closer I get towards Peeta and I feel a smile, a smile only meant for him, appearing on my lips, again.

He looks busy, holding something like paper in his hand, while he talks to some people, who all nod, when he is finished. They leave, to get some materials and some tools.

When I am close enough, I touch softly his shoulder and slightly surprised, he turns around. His eyes find mine without hesitation. "Morning, Katniss." He smiles, too and I think it is a smile that is only meant for me. His 'Katniss smile', as I call it in secret, just like my 'Peeta smile'.

"I missed you this morning. I thought we would eat breakfast together, again." I tell him truthfully and his smiles vanishes for a second. "Yes, I thought so. And I am terribly sorry, Katniss. But I had to work. That's why I left the whole cheese bun basket for you."

I raise my eyebrows slightly. "You…work?" I ask softly and look behind him, where the people had started building something.

Peeta seems nervous, following my view for a moment and when he looks back at me, he brushes a strand of hair behind my ear. I feel a soft blush on my cheeks and as I look back at him, he's also slightly red in his face.

"I rebuild my father's bakery. I want to be a baker, too."

Do not know, what it was, but something behind his words was just overwhelming. Maybe it was the fact, that he had mentioned something, that belonged his lost family. Maybe the fact, that he wants to start anew. Maybe the way he said it, so sincere, a little bit serious bit still with the same 'Katniss smile'. Whatever it was, I reach him within a second and throw my arms around his neck, after I let go of my belongings in my hand and press my body against his. "Oh Peeta!" I breathe. "That's great."

I feel him tense up for a moment, but then he relaxes and his arms wrap around my waist. It was not like he did, before his hijacking, but it was quiet close.

I am in his protective arms again. It was a simple hug, yet it was a wonderful feeling, after all we have lived through.

The moment I realize this, I take a step backwards, with my arms still around his neck but maybe a little too quick and he takes a wrong hint. He looks a bit sad and lets go and I know he thinks I regret it.

When I see this, I hug him again, trying to get closer this time, still smiling. "That's wonderful Peeta. I know you can make it." I tell him, letting one of my hands reach his soft, blond hair, while the other travels over his back. His arms are back around me. "I am glad, you think so."

I smile in his shoulder, while I try to figure out, that we finally hugged again. I ignore the people around as, looking at us and whispering something to each other. But it does not matter.

We are finally able to hug each other again.


	3. The First Night

**Thanks to all of those, who have read until now. I will try to do my best and try to update each day, or each second day. ****  
****  
****_****  
****  
**3. The first Night

Peeta and I are getting closer, at least I think so.

When I am not in the forest, hunting game, I am in town, helping to rebuild the Hob. People return to what remains of District Twelve and soon enough, its population as reached at least two hundred. Those are mostly people I know, people who lived here before the bombing. But some are new faces to me, trying to help and searching for homes.

Some of them live now in the houses of Victors Village, which were unused until now.

Distract Twelve begins living again – just like I do.

Peeta and I sit in silence in the kitchen, eating dinner. Greasy Sae left some minutes ago with her little granddaughter, who was overwhelmed with joy, when Peeta gave her a cookie. I could merely smile at this act of kindness.

He looks at me, over his bowl with a stew of carrots we planted in the garden some weeks ago, katniss roots and flesh of the game I hunted this afternoon. "I haven't seen Haymitch for some hours. Or smelled him." He suddenly says and a light smile with amusement is on his lips. "Me neither." I finish my stew and take the last bite of the bread, which Peeta had baked this morning. "Maybe he is just stalking around somewhere, drunken, as always. He will soon be here again and gives us lectures about life. Do you worry about him?"

He shakes his head and he knits his brow slightly. "Of course not. I mean – this is Haymitch we are talking about. He can take care better of himself, than anybody else I know. All I want to say is, that it is just strange: He wasn't in his house this morning and not even in the evening, when we returned. He might have gone anywhere." "Don't worry Peeta." I say with a slight smile and reach over the table and cover his hand with mine, something that became easier since we first hugged again. "He will be back soon. I know him. We are alike."

Peeta nods slightly and turns his hand around so that our palms a touching.

I do not know, how to define our relationship. We are neither 'Just Friends' nor is he my boyfriend. We are caught somewhere in-between. Yet, we cannot talk about it, or even want to. It is as nice as it is and for the moment we don't want to change anything that could change it in a bad way. We like to take tiny steps towards what we had before, knowing, that everything to big could break it even more.

"Let's wash up. After that we can work at the book for another hour." I nod, recalling the last page we worked on. It was about our lost friend Finnick and his art of knotting. We finished with describing the exact color of his eyes, when we called it a day.

Without another word spoken, we let go of each other and take the empty dishes, to wash up. Soon after that, we sit huddled together on the sofa in the living room, the book spread over both of our laps, while I hold the pan and write. I make a list of knots I can recall by name and I have seen made by Finnick's hand. Afterwards Peeta tells me, how Finnick had told him, how knotting can help to calm down and the length of the piece of rope, which was a present.

"I miss him." He tells me, when I have finished the last sentence. "Yes me, too. He was a good guy. He was one of the only people, who understood we, while I was worried about you." I lay my head on his shoulder and sigh sadly, while Peeta puts an arm around me. "Poor Annie. It must be hard for her. Dr. Aurelius told me, she is pregnant. Did you know that?" I feel his head shaking and his thumb strokes a little circle on my shoulder.

We sit like that for a few minutes. Just breathing and remembering and in each other's arms. "I don't want them to be forgotten. All of them. Not Prim, not Rue, not Cinna. Not Finnick or Boggs. Not even Cato or Clove or all the other Careers." I tell him after this long silence and look up in his face to see his reaction. He doesn't look sad, or angry, not even surprised and I know, that he is thinking the same. I take a deep breath. "We should live well, Peeta. I want their deaths to count for us. It's a promise we should give them." "Yes." It was an short answer, while he looks at me, taking on of my hands in both of his. "We should promise it to them."

A soft smile enters both of our lips and with my free hand I close the book and lay both, the pen and the book on the table in front of us. Before I sit back on the sofa again, I feel Peeta's arms around me, pressing me close to his body, until I sit on his lap. I let him and close my eyes, letting my own arms embrace his waist.

Time went by and I think I have drifted off for at least an hour. When I open my eyes again, it's already dark outside, as it was inside the house, since we hadn't the time to put on the lights.

His arms are still around me, protecting me from the covers of night and I feel his eyes on me. It takes me another few minutes to break the silence.

"It has gotten late." I murmur softly and lay my head on his shoulder. He jolts and I see him looking around, as if he hasn't noticed this on his own. "Yes, it has. I should go home now and-" "No." I cut his words of. "Stay here tonight. Please." I do not know, where this came from, yet it feels so right and I suppose it's the right, next tiny step.

I can feel, that he casts me his 'Katniss smile'. "As you wish, sweetheart." Another, tiered smiles escapes my lips and I can finally pull myself together, to let go of him and we stand up.

"I will fetch some pajamas. Prepare yourself for bed." He tells me and I feel his hand on my cheek for a brief moment. "OK."

He leaves me, standing there in the middle of the living room, in complete darkness. When the he closes the door behind himself, I turn and walk towards the stairs, towards the bedroom. I nearly stumbled over Buttercup, who lies on one of the stairs and he hisses at me, when my foot bumps his side by accident.

I take some clothes for sleep out of my wardrobe and go towards the bathroom, preparing myself. The whole time, I feel a light flutter in my stomach and I can't help the smile on my lips and the light blush on my cheeks.

A light knock tears me out of my trance. "One moment." I say and have to admit, how strange it sounds to talk to another person at this time of day. "Take your time." Peeta answers. After I have brushed my teeth and let my hair loose out of its braid, I take a deep breath and leave the bathroom, only to find Peeta at the other side.

It is quiet amusing, that he is also smiling and I can also see a light blush on his own cheeks. "You can go inside." He nods and while he enters the bathroom, I leave it and the door closes softly behind me.

I open the window, knowing that Peeta likes to sleep with opened windows and lay on my bed, under the covers.

Suddenly realization hits me. What if, I have nightmare? What if, this could trigger one of his flashbacks. What if, he thinks, my proposal was an invitation for something more? What if, this whole night is going to be the most horrible night, we both ever had.

I feel panic rise in my stomach, but after the shower has stopped and he has brushed his teeth, I try to act calm. I don't want him to worry about me. Not now.

I desperately try to tell myself, over and over again, that this impulsive thought I had on the couch, was a good idea and I force a smile back on my lips, when the door opens. He stands in the doorway with some dark pajama trousers and the first three buttons of his shirt are open.

He looks stunning, although I have seen him like that before, on the train on the victory tour. I have also seen him with less, when I have washed his cloths, in the first games.

Peeta walks calmly towards the bed and I try to breathe evenly. "So…can I?" he asks, before he even touches the covers. I nod. "Sure. I mean, what I say." With those words said, he climbs into the bed with me.

We lay on our backs, together, in complete darkness and listen to each other's breathing. I do not know, what to say, or what to do and I think Peeta is also speechless. I cannot believe, I would see him again, like this.

"Well." I hear him suddenly say and turn my head slightly, to see his face. "I think Buttercup hates me now. I kicked him, when I walked up the stairs." "Not only you." I say and notice that my voice is shaking slightly.

He sighs. "I am glad that you asked to…you know…" I nod then I remember that he probably cannot see me in the darkness. "I know. It feels just right."

We both turn towards each other and I feel his hand on my arm. "I know, this is real. Even back then, it was real. At least I know it now." "I am glad to hear that." "I am just a little bit afraid." He confirms and my eyes, nearly shut, shoot back open. In his voice lays doubt and fear. "The flashbacks?" I ask him softly, as I scoot closer towards him, resting one hand on his chest. He sighs again. "Yes. What if I have one of those tonight? I don't want to hurt you." Suddenly I realize that I am not the only one, who has doubts that this was the right idea.

"You won't hurt me. And you won't have any flashbacks, not tonight." I fell him nod. "How bad are your nightmares?" He asks and pulls me against his chest, just like all the nights before. "Even worse than before." I tell him truthfully. "With Prim entering them often." "Okay. I will be here. Don't worry, Katniss." "Good night." I whisper and hope that this one will at least be an average one. "Good night." He says.

I lay my head on his chest and hear his heart, softly with a steady beat. When his breathing evens out and I know, that he is asleep, I make the decision, to listen to it all night long. Nothing can be better than this and I don't want to ruin it with a nightmare.

It feels like hours, that we lay like this: Peeta sleeping, while I listen to his heart and occasionally to his breathing. But this makes me tired, too and soon enough my eyes drift close.

_I see them burning. All of them. Prim. Rue. Finnick. Cinna. All the others, which were killed because of me. Even Haymitch and my mother are there. And Peeta. I want to help them, but when I reach forward, the flames cover me, too and let me burn, again. I hear all of them screaming. Myself screaming. And a strange honking noise. __  
__  
_I shoot up from the nightmare, screaming like I did in it, my fingers dicking into the covers and into Peeta's side. He is up and next to me within seconds, protecting me and calming me down.

My screaming quiets down, becomes soon only sobbing, but that honking noises stay, as does Peeta. "I am here." I hear him whisper, over and over again. He strokes my back and brushes the tears of my cheeks. He doesn't say, that it is alright or that the things I see are only imagination. He knows that it happened, that everything I have seen in the nightmare has some truth in it.

When my sobbing has stopped, I burry my face in his chest. "What's that?" I ask, wondering what makes such a noise, that I could even hear in my nightmares. I feel him shrug. "I don't know. It's coming from outside."

We look at each other through the darkness and agree in silence to look, what is making this noise. We leave the bed and walk downstairs. Peeta takes one of my hands in his, after we have put some shoes and a jacket on and we go outside.

"Haymitch is home." Peeta says, when we both see the lights in the windows of his home on. "He will wish, that he wasn't, by the noise, that he is making." I answer grimly and look around. When I see the lights in the other houses, I know, that we are not the only ones that Haymitch woke.

We enter his home, knowing he left the door open. Inside was it cleaner, than the last time I can remember. Yet this bitter smell of everything unwanted lies still in the air.

Haymitch is not in his kitchen lying halfway on the kitchen table. He is not even on the floor, next to the sofa.

"I am here!" we hear him call us, standing in the doorway towards the garden, looking not that drunk. "Haymitch! You are waking the whole Victors Village! Maybe even the whole District Twelve. What are you doing?" I ask him angrily, before he even has the time to explain himself.

He presses a finger towards his lips, telling us to be quiet, before he winks us over, to where he is standing. "Be quiet, sweetheart and look at this."

Peeta presses my fingers slightly and I catch my breath and I know we are unable to understand, what lays before us.

White feathers, orange mouths, eyes as black as coal. And louder than any sirens in District Thirteen could ever be. I remember hearing Haymitch talking about them, but I never thought, I would possibly do THIS.

"Geese." I hear Peeta mumble in disbelieve. "There are five geese in your garden. Real or not real?" "Real. Haymitch is going to raise geese."

We look at him, a liquor bottle in one hand, empty. "They arrived this evening with the train. Do you know, how long I had to wait for them? And bringing them here was a torture. But now I will raise geese." "I will kill you, if you can't shut them up." I narrow my eyes at Haymitch, but he only laughs. "Don't worry. After some time, you won't notice them anymore. They only need time, to get comfortable-"

I walk past him, with Peeta pulling behind, while Haymitch tries to remember the names, he gave his pet geese.

"He can't even take care of himself, yet he wants to raise geese. How is that possible?" I shake my head and look at him, when we are in front of the door of my house. "I don't know. They won't last long, I suppose. But it won't get any worse, this night." I see his lips parting for an answer and I put a finger on them, before any word can escape them. I know he wants to mention possible flashbacks, but it doesn't matter right now, at least not to me. "It will be better. As I remember, I was lying in your arms, before we had to come to Haymitch to see this disaster. Let's go back to this moment, okay?"

I don't know, where this boldness was coming from, but I know, Peeta doesn't mind right now.

We smile, before he takes my hand again, guiding me back inside to continue our first night back together, after all this time.

_  
**  
I hope the title of the chapter didn't promise too **_**much**_**… Yet I hope you enjoyed it. :D**


	4. The First Doubt

**This one is a little bit sadder. ****But I hope that you all still enjoy it. I don't think, while growing back together, Katniss and Peeta only have good experiences (apart from the nightmares and flashbacks and so on. And, yes, I know, Katniss had already some doubts, but the following ones are different…****  
_****  
****  
**4. The First Doubt

Nightmares still emerged throughout the night, as did some of his flashbacks at daytime. But Peeta also appeared, day after day at my bed and climbed under the covers with me. He is holding me, until I sleep, while I sleep and after the nightmares disappeared. The whole night I am glad, that I asked him to return where he belongs. On the other side of the bed.

The first weeks we would share a bed, he always asked, whether it was or okay, to sleep with me in one bed and if I doesn't mind. But I did not mind back then and I do not mind right now.

For a few days now, he lives 'official' with me. He asked, fumbling with his words and a light blush was on his cheeks and the tips of his cheek. He looked very much like the boy with the bread, back then.

We moved his stuff in my house together. His clothes, his baking tools and all his colors, painted and blank canvases and the brushes. Some little tokens which reminded him of his family. A picture of him and his brothers, when they were small. The favorite apron of his father. Even his mother's favorite vase.

His clothes are now next to mine in the wardrobe, separated tidily. His baking tools are in the kitchen and I find myself often staring at them, wondering what they are for. We did all his painting stuff in one of the many rooms of my house, which was unused, even when Prim and my mother filled it with life. Now we are trying to bring at least a little joy back into these walls. We framed the picture and put it next to my parents wedding photo and one I have found of Prim and Buttercup, reminding us about our promise. To make their deaths count.

When I awake alone, I know that Peeta is downstairs, making breakfast, wearing his father's apron. We told Greasy Sae to come by, whenever she liked. But she only answered, that she did her job. After hunting, I stop every day at her house, bringing her fresh game and some plants I found along the way. She is even sometimes helping to rebuild the Hob, which slowly assumes a form. As does Peeta's bakery and the rest of District Twelve.

Thinks begin to change.

It has turned fall so fast that I am one day wondering where all the leaves have gone from the trees, surprised to find them under my boots. It's getting cooler and cooler, day by day and everybody hopes that all the building will be finished before the first snow falls.

Haymitch is also out of his own self. Liquor is quickly emptied and while he has to wait for the next train to bring something, he raises his, now already 7, geese. I hate those evil, never saturated, noisy birds. The first few nights were unbearable and Peeta and I tried to isolate as much sound with blankets and pillows, as we could, leaving us to sleep on the bare mattress. We swore, to kill Haymitch and his geese by the next morning. But we never did, knowing that his geese gave him something to live for. They are nearly as important to him, as we both are. And we could never ever harm Haymitch in any way for all that he has done for us.

Those were the nights, when I felt _it_ the most. Lying so close to Peeta in his arms and knowing the difference between boy and girl, I knew that someday this would happen. I wake sometimes in my sleep, like most, even normal people do and then I feel his half-erect member against my thigh. The first time I noticed something hard I jolted, lightly surprised, while I was glad, that I did not wake him. I know, there would have been a very awkward conversation afterwards and I am glad, it never happened.

When I notice his erection, I try to scoot my hips slightly away, until I cannot feel it anymore. Only once, when we laid face to face, I allowed myself to linger in that situation for e minute more, until I carefully reached between us with one hand and touched his member with the tip of one finger. I heard him mumble something, but I couldn't understand it. After I realized, what I have done, I did, as I always do. Shift my hips until there is only air between our lower halves.

While he makes the breakfast, I always tell myself in the shower, that everything is alright, that sex would be some step in the far future. That it is part of living, and everything is just normal. Yet, we are no normal couple. Peeta and I are not even a couple.

"Katniss?" I hear a voice say and I look confused around. "Is everything alright?" I blink my eyes and look at Peeta, who is sitting next to me on the sofa, the book on our laps, one of his arms around my shoulder.

I stare at him for some minutes, until I notice that I have fallen in some kind of trance again, just like my mother always did after my father's death.

"Yes." I say meekly and ignore Haymitch's advice to drink something.

We have invited him over to us after some time throughout the book writing. We knew that he had some knowledge about people, other tributes, too, which should never be forgotten.

"You are surely tired. We should stop here until tomorrow." I nod slowly. But I do not feel tired. I am far too afraid that Peeta will some night wake up, just like I do and we are greeted by embarrassing situation. I do not know what I fear most at the moment: my nightmares or his erection.

"Already?" asks Haymitch astonished from where he was sitting, paler than usual and slightly shaking because of the alcohol withdraw. "We only worked for half an hour. Then let me finish the page on my own." "No!" I tell him sternly, since I knew his horrible handwriting very well. "You will ruin it."

Haymitch only sighs in defeat. "Alright sweetheart."

I feel Peeta relax next to me and lean into him a little more. "You don't want to go back to the 'Horde of Hell'" Haymitch laughs, while I cannot help the smile creeping on my features. We have invented many names for Haymitch's geese: 'The disastrous crowd', 'The killer birds' and 'The soon-to-be roasts' are only a few of them.

"No." says Haymitch with mirth shining in his eyes. "You know, I love them. And they belong to my family. Just like you two and that stinky cat of yours. And if this cat will attack my geese again, I will personally kick them to District Thirteen.

Well, I know that Buttercup can survive a bombing, but I do not know about a knife-throwing, outraged Haymitch on withdraw.

Haymitch takes the remote control of the TV, which is covered in dust, since we never watched any program. There are just better things to do.

"Then, let's watch TV. I want to see, how Panem is transforming. And I want to see, where that stupid train with my liquor is stuck."

Before Peeta or I can stop him, a flickering picture already emerges on the black screen. Immediately I recognize the grey eyes, just like mine, the dark taint, similar to the skin I have and the dark hair. I feel Peeta tense next to me and he breathes angrily.

"Hey!" Haymitch screams through the silent living room. "Isn't this-" "Gale Hawthorne." Introduces a young reporter with Capitol accent. But my eyes never leave his face.

It looks like he is growing a beard, at least I see stubbles, where was skin the last time I have seen him. I think his hair has gotten a little longer – not much, but it has. His body has also more filled out with muscles, probably because of all the work he is doing. He looks stern, but there is still this flicker inside his eyes, which I recognize, every time we were hunting. The dark circles of all the days in war have vanished under his eyes. Yet, I know he is still the same Gale, as I know him.

He is talking about machines and answers the reporter's questions. I know he is in District Two right now.

"_He got some fancy job there."_ I hear Greasy say, back in my mind.

And suddenly I wonder, what it would be like to be with him, not with Peeta. In District Two, if I hadn't killed Coin. Or here, in Twelve. I know, we would go hunting, rebuild the Hob and live – together.

Is ask myself, if the relationship with Gale would be different towards the one I have with Peeta. If there even was a relationship. I do not know, if we would be 'just friends' or even lovers, just something, far away from this undefinable in-between, I have with Peeta.

But, what if he wouldn't have wanted me, if he would have returned to Twelve. He could have any girl, he wants. He could have chosen another girl, instead of the broken version, that I am.

He laughs and it's still the same laugh I know and I am amazed how his chin moves, when he laughs, how his eyes shut, just slightly and by the sound of it.

I think, I have leaned forward slightly, to catch more of Gale's, well, Gale-ness.

That is the moment, when the source of my warmth is gone, leaving me alone on the sofa. But I do not bother, since I am too caught up into Gale.

Then, suddenly, somebody shuts the TV of and I stare into blackness. It takes me some time, to realize what has happened and turn to Haymitch, the remote control in his hands with is finger still on the out-button.

He looks at me, with the same intensity like I do.

"You do not deserve him." He suddenly says, lowering his hand. "What? Gale? He is in District Two, anyway." "No." "No?" I ask. "Peeta."

My breathe is caught in my throat, when I realize that Haymitch has caught me, thinking about somebody else, than Peeta. I turn and see that the source of my warmth, Peeta, is missing. He has left the sofa, without me noticing it.

"He watched you, Katniss." Haymitch gets serious and looks slightly angry, too. I now that I am in trouble, when he uses my name, instead of 'sweetheart'. "He watched you, while you staring and drooling at his rival." "Then he should have said something!" I am now, too, visibly angry and I rise my voice. "He is always capable with words."

He leans forward, while I cross my arms. "He is in complete disbelieve that you are doubting his love to you! He will think, that he is not enough, that you choose the wrong!"

I turn my face away from him and close my eyes. Peeta loves me. He does, does he? But what do I feel about him and what is left of my feeling for Gale?

"This is ridiculous, Haymitch." I tell him and try very hard not to cry.

He stands up and goes to the door. "I think you have some fixing up to do." Behind his anger lies some gentleness, showing that he cares.

I let the first tear roll, when he closes the door soundly behind himself.

And there I am, alone on the sofa, with Haymitch angry at me and Peeta…sad? Angry, too? Or even worse?

Fear and guilt grips my heart, as I realize, what I have done and I look at the table, where the vase of his mother stands, with some early fall flowers I have found in the forest. He is so ready to share his life with me, yet I am the one, who tears everything in shreds, again.

I stand up and hurry to the only room, I know where Peeta would definitively be.

I stand in front of his 'Painter's Room', as we have named it. The door is closed, symbolizing that he is inside. I lean my ear against the cold wood and hear his heavy breathing. I bite my lip and another tear escapes my eye.

I open the door quietly and see him. This broken version of himself, my boy with the bread.

He is sitting on the floor, his back against the wall, next to his unused canvases, he storages there. His legs are outstretched and I see a silver shine in the moonlight, where the ankle of his prosthetic leg is, which is not covered by his trousers. His fists are clenched and by the pained look on his face and the slight sweat, I know, he is already in the aftermath of one of the flashbacks.

I walk quietly towards him and crouch next to him. I do not mind the paint, that his on the floor, or that he could hurt me. I only care about Peeta.

I softly say his name and he looks shortly at me, before he squeezes his eyes shut again and he grits his teeth.

"Peeta." I say again, lying one hand on his cheek. His breathing becomes heavier and I know he has to fight another flashback. I lean closer to his ear, stroking the back of his neck slightly. "You're a painter." I whisper and let my lips brush his ear slightly. "You're a baker, Peeta. You like to sleep with your windows open. You never take sugar in your tea. And-" "And I always double-knot my shoelaces." He finishes for me with an exhausted voice.

I look at him, just at the moment when he opens his eyes, looking at me sad and tired.

I feel guilty. I left Peeta alone, when he needed me most. We always try to encounter his flashbacks together, no matter if I am just leaning against a closed door, talking and quietly singing to him, or if I am lying in bed with him. I left him alone. I left him doubting whatever we have.

I embrace him, laying my chin on his shoulder and let a light sob leave my lips. "This is real, Peeta." I tell him. "Real, real, real. You hear me? We are here together. I would have never chosen Gale over you."

I feel still do not feel his arms around me, or any other sign of affection. He is just sitting numbly in my arms, letting my cry in his shoulder. I continue: "You are the one I need, Peeta. The boy with the bread. _My_ boy with the bread. My dandelion in the spring. I need your kindness, your gentleness, your love. I don't want hatred and this fire. I have it on my own. I _need_ you to survive."

My sobbing becomes harder and then, with my love words spoken, his arms slowly wander around my waist, his hands stroking my back.

I pull back, just enough to see his eyes. "Real, Peeta. You hear me? This is real. _We_ are real and I don't want it to change."

He nods, just slightly and I also see a wet trail on his own cheeks. I brush his tears away quickly and he does the same for me.

Then I lean forward, to kiss his forehead. This is as much, as I trust myself at this moment. I wouldn't even consider it as a kiss. It was just a light brush, like a butterfly's wings touching skin.

"Real." He tells me and the corners of his lips move, just slightly upwards, showing me, that he is not doubting my words.

We fell in silence and I lay my head on his chest, pressing myself closer to him.

We sleep there that night. The Paint on the floor, the dirt and the coolness of the early fall's air isn't bothering us. But nothing will ever scare me out of his arms. Not my nightmares, not his flashbacks, not Haymitch's evil geese, not Gale and not Peeta's erection I was foolish to be afraid about, since it is just a normal step to feel it in the right way, just somewhere in the farthest future.

But maybe, after this night, it won't be this far away anymore, since I did the right thing and chose Peeta, above all and with that, life itself.

**The next one is not this angsty and sad. I promise :D**


	5. The First Bread

**I am sorry that I didn't update this one yesterday, although it was already finished. I didn't feel too well and so I went to bed early. (I upload my chapters when it's around 10-12 pm**** in Germany for your understanding ;D)****  
****But this gave me some time to think about the following chapters, since I am not quiet sure, which one to put first…But I think I have found a solution.****  
****So, for this chapter:****  
****Yes, I know they had bread before, but wai****t and see…, like always :D **

5. The First Bread

I never doubted anything between Peeta and me again. I hate the guild I feel, when I remember that night, although it was a big step of growing back together. I still not know it, what exactly it was. Whether it was the things I said, until Peeta finally believed me, or the light kiss on his forehead, I don't know.

I only know, that this night meant we are something like 'official together'. We didn't say it out load, nor did one the other ask, but we knew it was true. Peeta's hugs became even more affectionately and it is always hard to let go. We hold hands more openly, walking through District Twelve hand in hand, letting everybody see, that we are _real._ It took us some time, but even dared to kiss. Not on the lips, of course. I get already nervous by thinking about that step. No, but we kiss on our foreheads, on our cheeks and noses. I like to kiss the spot right between his eyes, since he said it calms him down after some hard days. But I also like it, when Peeta cups my cheek, while kissing the other. It feels quiet…intimate.

Speaking of intimate, I do not fear his erection anymore. I consider it as a, well, symbol of his love towards me, although he cannot control it in any way.

And there wasn't any way that he would never notice it by himself. One night he wake just minutes after I did. I can still see his shocked face, when he did notice I was awake, feeling him pressing against me. He had left the bed, before I could have said his name. He slept on the floor that night, his blankets wrapped around his lower half, while I laid on his side of the bed, holding his hand, as a sign that I don't care.

We talked about it at the breakfast, not daring to look into each other's eyes. It took me some time assuring, that he should not worry about it and everything was fine. Eventually, he did believe me, but since then he didn't allow himself to lay that close to me at night.

But that was also the day when we went to Greasy Sae, to bring her fresh baked bread, walking hand in hand, she merely smiled at us, while her little granddaughter asked excited: "Are you a couple?" That was the first time, we realized this change about us and when we both blushed a deep shade of red and Peeta lightly nodded his head at this answer, I couldn't be happier.

I think Haymitch is also happy for us. I can't quiet tell, since Liquor arrived and he had started drinking again. But his geese survive just fine, maybe because Peeta and I feel responsible feeding them. But we do not know, what to do with them, when it's getting colder.

And it's getting colder still, day by day and winter comes fast. The first snow falls at the end of October, which means rebuilding most of the houses became impossible. Work has to rest until spring.

But not every work. Peeta's bakery is one of the few houses that was finished before the snowfall. Painting and the positioning of the furniture can be done in every weather. But I think I was not much help to Peeta. He painted the walls on his own and I was glad to paint the walls that would be hidden behind shelves and the ovens. In this new bakery there are three, instead of only one, allowing Peeta to bake more at the same time.

When everything was finished, shortly before the re-opening, it still smelled a little like fresh paint. From the outside the house may look just like the bakery of Peeta's father. But if you enter it, there is nothing that reminds you of the old days. Everything looked a little modern – not Capitol modern, yet friendly and inviting. This was just like Peeta.

He isn't looking for coworkers, since he thinks that the bakery needs customers first. But I know people will be rushing here to eat Peeta's bread, smell the fresh cheese of his cheese buns and see the wonderful decorated cakes. I know, his bakery will be a success and he thinks it too, somewhere deep down.

I volunteered to help him on the first day, since we both do not know, what will wait for him.

That meant to stand up very early. It was dark outside, when we left the house and by the silence that came from Haymitch's, we knew that even his geese were asleep. It took the sun another few hours to rise.

Peeta showed me, which integrates to use for this bread and which one for that, where to use salt and how long the dough had to rest. I am still amazed, how he can remember every recipe and every detail of it. My head was already spinning after the third one.

When everything was there, where the customers could see it and the time had reached eight o'clock, Peeta officially opened his bakery for the first time. It didn't even take half an hour, until the first customers came.

Greasy Sae, followed closely by Thom were the first. They looked, like everybody else, around in awe, stunned by the big selection of bread, they were finally able to afford.

Peeta handled them just fine. Smiling, suggesting something, talking about this and that, selling his bread. This was his element, like mine is the wood or Finnick's was the water.

I watched him closely from the doorway to the storage room, trying to suck up as much life of Peeta's as I am able to. When he needed my help, I helped in any way possible, not matter if it was just to keep an eye on the breads in the oven or if I had to tell somebody, how good his cheese buns are. I just do my best.

I do not know, where the time of this day went, but I know it's already evening, when he said goodbye to the last customer and switches to 'Open' sign to 'Closed'.

"That was a day." He says, smiling and I nod, while I slowly walk towards him and lay my arms around his neck. "It was a good re-opening, Peeta. You have done a great job." I lean forward to kiss him between his eyes, just in the moment when I feel his arms around me.

He closes his lids, hiding his blue eyes behind them and a relaxed smile is on his lips. "I couldn't have done it without your help." "I was just decoration. Nothing special." "Don't say that." The tone of his voice becomes more serious. "You have helped me in any way possible. Without you I would have been lost. There were just too many customers in this short time. And I didn't want them to be waiting. Above all not on the first day, where I had to make a good impression." "You made it, Peeta. Really. You will be the local baker very soon."

He casts his 'Katniss smile' at me, before one of his hands wanders to my cheek to cup it, while his kisses the other.

I feel a light tingle in my stomach and sigh happily at that sensation.

Then, suddenly, I remember something and pull away, out of his reach to look at him. "You were on your legs all day." I whisper and hear the concern clearly in my voice. "How do you feel?"

His brows knit, the corners of his lips fall and I know, that he doesn't like me to worry about him. But I do. I feel responsible for me, as he does for me. It is something we could never turn off.

"Katniss." He says quietly and I know he wants to tell me, that he is fine. But I know he isn't. His legs, especially his artificial one trouble him often, even after a few hours of standing. And he did stand whole day.

I sigh, before he can continue and when he opens his mouth to speak, I silence him with a finger on his lips. "Just sit down form time to time, when you work. Okay, Peeta?" This makes him smile again, before he takes my hand that is closes to his face and brings its back to his lips, to kiss it. "Okay. As you wish."

It takes us some time to let go of each other. Then I help him to bring the few, left breads towards the kitchen and help him to clean his bakery. And soon, it is dark outside.

"Oh." I hear him suddenly say, after I have cleaned some tablets, where he baked cookies on. "What is it?" I ask and look at him. He is holding something dark in his hand and some sad expression is on his face.

"I found it in the oven, when I checked it to turn it down for today." He turns whatever it is in his hands and I take a step closer. Then, I realize it. It's a burned loaf of bread.

"You know, Katniss, this is the same sort of bread I let fall in the fire for you." He tells me calmly and the short fear of a flashback leaves my stomach and my brain again. He remembers and I do it, too.

It is our bread and there he stands, holding it, my boy with the bread.

I smile as I lay my hands on top of his, over the bread. "It is too good to throw it away." "I know." He nods, before he breaks it into two, nearly two equal halves. "And I don't want Haymitch's geese to have it." "I had the same thought."

He leans his forehead against mine and we close our eyes, with our hands still on our bread. It's after all symbolizing everything that is between us. Especially his will to scarify himself for me, no matter if it was because he was hit by his devilish mother or Cato's sword.

"Thank you for being there for me. Every day. Every time I needed help. Every time I needed you." I whisper, although I do not want to break this wonderful moment. "Thank you for being there for me, Katniss." He repeats, as if was some kind of vow. "During the first game and during the second. Even when I was dangerous for you after my hijacking. Thank you."

He let's go of one half, which I am still holding and tears a bit of the other to bring it to my lips. I smile and open my mouth and let him feed me. It tastes exactly like the one, he threw to me in the rain. No – even better, since he his feeding it to me with his own hands.

When I swallow it I lean my head slightly away, to look at him. I chew my lip for a moment and I have the feeling he waits for me to say something. Or do something…

I look to his lips and try to remember their feeling on mine.

But our last kiss was so long ago and it is hard to recall it. And I know this this the right opportunity.

But before I could make up my mind, I hear suddenly somebody burb. I look in disbelieve at Peeta and I know, he feels the same disappointment, like I do about our interrupted moment.

"Toasting looks different." Haymitch says behind us. "And you two wouldn't marry without me, I suppose." He is drunk, I can already hear it clearly in his voice and when I turn around, I see him trying to hold his balance in the doorframe.

He grins. "I am here! But where is the bread? I wanted to buy something on your special day."

"Haymitch!" we both say his name angrily, while we each take a step away from each other, leaving both of us with half a bread in our hand. He only stalks back to the front of the bakery, mumbling something drunk.

"I will take care of him. Can you shut the ovens down and come outside? Then we can close the doors finally." Peeta says handing me his half. But before he leaves, he smiles. "Let's eat this bread for dinner. It's our first bakery bread."

I nod. "Yes." And I smile at that thought.


	6. The First Kiss

**And finally:****  
_**

6. The First Kiss

No, we are not married. I don't know, how often I have to tell it Haymitch, but he doesn't stop bothering us, why we didn't invite him to over wedding – that never existed.

But he did see our sharing of the burned bread as toasting. But it wasn't supposed to be one. We did just share the bread, as a symbol of all that we are. We shared it, because it felt so right. We shared it, because it was _our_ bread.

But Haymitch is just too stubborn to understand that. He isn't feeling the same when he sees bread, than how we do. Haymitch is okay, when Peeta and I are together in a room with him, but when I am alone with him he won't stop calling me 'Mrs. Mellark'.

I have to admit that a warm and tinkling sensation in my stomach appears in my stomach, when he calls me that. But I am still against marriage and children. And deep down I hope that Peeta thinks the same. But like I know him, he is totally into family life. I suppose that he will be a great, wonderful and loving husband and an even greater father but I cannot see myself on his side as wife and mother.

I hope that whatever it is he thinks about the future, will not tear us apart – again. I like it as it is right now.

No, I don't like it now. I feel guilty that I could give Peeta the kiss when it was the right, even perfect, moment for it. But Haymitch had to ruin it.

Since that moment it feels like something is missing in Peeta and mine relationship. And it's clearly kissing.

But how can you form the question: 'Can you kiss me, please?' if you don't know how the other will react. And I am absolutely not sure, how Peeta would react if I asked him that.

I can't myself bring me to kiss Peeta, either. When we kissed during the first Game, the Victory Tour and all the times for the cameras, I did not think about it, only what would happen, if I didn't. But there are sponsors to win anymore. There is no Snow, who I have to convince. There is no Gale. There is only Peeta and me.

I often find myself staring at his lips, wondering how they might feel on mine after all this time. I wonder, if they are now rougher or softer, if they still can bring some fire to burn inside me or if I will disappointed and don't want any more. But I doubt the last.

I don't know, if he has noticed me, looking at his lips but sometimes I can see them curving up into a light smile before he tears me out of my thoughts with a simple question like 'How was your day?' or 'Aren't you tired, yet?' I only nod or shake my head at those questions, feeling caught like a child stealing cookies.

But this isn't just a 'piece of a cake' as he would call it. I don't even dare to kiss him, when he is asleep. I know that I would feel like I would betray him and some unspoken rule: Never kiss the other while they sleep. Still I often lean over him and watch his face closely. So I wouldn't miss any sign, when he is waking up. But as closer I get to his lips mine the louder gets my pounding heart. And I am always afraid that he would wake up by hearing it.

And my desire of kissing him gets worse day by day.

"It's getting even worse." Peeta says, while I suddenly feel him pressing against my back and his head on my shoulder, looking outside the window just like I do.

"Nobody will come today. I had only two customers yesterday. I think there won't be anybody today. Looks like a free day." He kisses my cheek softly while I lean more into it, savoring the feeling of it even more.

Peeta's bakery re-opening was a success and in these first few weeks he has already regular customers, coming each day. But the snow began to fall heavenly some nights ago and the Snow removal can't keep up with the mass of snow anymore and only a few paths are clean of it. The street in the Victors Village is one of them.

"When the regular customer's won't come anymore, then nobody will come." He tells me, kissing my cheek again and again. I could melt at the spot and I wish that I could turn my head just lightly and press my lips against his. But I can't.

"Will you go hunting today?" he asks, looking outside again. I shake my head slightly. "No." I tell him. "You haven't seen the snow in the woods. It's nearly impossible to move and hide. My clothes are brown and green and still I look like a clown between all the white. The only advantage is that I can see the animals traces better." "So you stay here with me today?" This time I nod my head and smile at him.

And suddenly our faces are so close. I can smell his breath – it smells like tea and toothpaste. His eyes looks seemingly surprised when he realizes the slight change of our position. I take a short look at his lips, slightly parted and so soft and slightly pink.

Then I break away from him with a slight smile and walk slowly to the bathroom door. I am still in my sleeping wear, while Peeta is fully dressed, since he was ready for work. "I will shower." I tell him shortly and close the door behind me.

I think I saw sadness on his face, when I left our position at the window.

When I have finished I walk downstairs to meet Peeta in the kitchen again, preparing breakfast for me. This is the first time he did that since I helped him at the bakery. I can't help but smile, before I sit down at the prepared table.

"I made you breakfast." He says, giving me a fresh cheese bun, which I take eagerly. "I had finally time to do that again after what seems like an eternity. I hope that it is okay." I nod and take a large bite. "Of course Peeta. It's better than anything I could do."

I eat in silence until Peeta speaks up again. I watched him, like I often do and I saw that something was clearly bothering him. He seemed to find some decision but I am not sure, what exactly is in his mind.

"The phones still function. It's like a miracle. I called Haymitch. He can come over for lunch or dinner if he likes and if the weather allows it. I suppose its okay for you." Haymitch destroyed his telephone a few times after we returned home and somebody had to repair it again. But when he started to raise his geese, he started to leave the phone were it belonged. "Of course. And I understand that he wants to go out for a while. His geese must be hell."

Since Haymitch lives alone, his house has many unused rooms. Until recently. He didn't build a goose-house before the snow fell. And he didn't want that part of his family to die. So he prepared some of the rooms with hay and put the watering place there. Feeding became now easier, he says, but it's even a bigger mess, than before. I don't doubt any word he says and I know he desires spring as much as I desire Peeta's kisses.

"We can work on the book today." Peeta suggests, smiling. I take another bite and think about it.

Our memory book isn't finished yet and I doubt it will be soon. With each lost friend, family member or tribute it becomes nearly every day. But things become harder to remember now, like the exact tone of Finnick's voice or how many times Lady licked Prim's cheek. But that's what the book is for, to remember those things.

I shake slightly my head. If we work on the book, we should do it together: Peeta, Haymitch and me. "You should paint today. You have plenty of time for it today." "Yes, I should. But…, but what are you doing today?" His brows knit slightly and I know what he is thinking about: I don't have such an indoor hobby, like he does.

"I can learn knitting." I calmly tell him.

He shakes his head and reaches out for my hand and lays one if his own on top of it. I like its warmth and the comfort it gives me. "No, we should do something together. We have finally time for it." "You mean that we should learn knitting together?"

He looks at me a slight flicker of amusement is in his eyes, which makes me smile. "No. I don't think if this is a good idea. Who says, that I won't stab myself with the knitting needle?" "I will keep an eye on you." "We should do something saver. How about baking. Cookies. What about Cookies? We can frost them together." "And who says that I won't blow the oven up?" "I know you won't. You can handle an oven better than I can handle knitting needles."

I smile and finally I nod. "Okay, let's bake cookies then."

That's easier said than done.

Aprons can be easily found and integrates and baking tools we have plenty. But Peeta knows so many recipes for different cookies: With nuts and without, with chocolate in white and brown or with orange aroma. After some time we decide for some with alcohol, which are only for Haymitch and a different assortment, only for us. They are many, but me have much time to bake today.

The snow still falls outside. It sometimes reminds me of fallen ashes. In front of my eyes I see then burning houses, burning children and my sister. That's the moment when I turn around to Peeta. Those are the moments when I seek his arms and I hug him. He doesn't question it and only let's go, when I want to. After all he is the one, who understands me most.

It's somewhere past lunchtime, when we begin to frost the first cookies. His look like perfect pieces of art, while mine…well, I don't want to talk about it. If I can't see the flowers I have made on my own, I hold them out for Peeta to take a bite, so that nobody will ever see the disaster. This is maybe one of the reasons why we don't want to eat anything for lunch.

I lay the frosting bag frustrated on the table and sigh. My flowers won't get better and even my attempt of snow, simply, white snow looks disastrous. I can't even compare them to Peeta's.

I look at his finished ones. Mine aren't even close to his. I just wish I had the same skills like he did.

Absently I take one of my disaster-snow-cookies and eat them, while I watch Peeta working.

"What are you doing?" I ask, when I see that he is hiding his work behind one hand. He looks up and some surprised and shocked look is on his face and I know I caught him somehow. "Frosting cookies." He says simply and I know that he hopes I would drop the topic. But he should know my curiosity that comes sometimes alive within me, which makes me feel like I am hunting.

"Peeta?" I ask him and try to sound serious, narrowing my eyes. I lean over the table, since he is opposite of me. I want desperately to see, what he is hiding. But he only covers my view with his hand. "Come on Peeta. You can show me everything." "It looks bad, Katniss. Your eyes will hurt, if you see that ugliness." "Then we both would have been blind, because of my frosting."

He looks at my cookies. "You did your best." He is backing away, the cookie in his hand.

Looks like I can still hunt today.

I walk calmly around the table, my eyes always on Peeta, judging each of his moves. If he makes an attempt to move left, I move left, before he can even move. If he goes a step backwards, I do step closer. He won't come away that easily.

Soon enough I have forced him into one of the kitchen's corners. There isn't a way to escape anymore, with me only a few steps away from him.

I hold my hand towards him. "Peeta, I want the cookie."

We stare at each other for some minutes, which actually feel like some hours, until he finally sighs in defeat. But before he gives the cookie to me, he takes one last look and then he closes his eyes. He looks sad and I feel somehow guilty.

Then I have the cookie in my hand, slightly crumbled from the pressure of his hand, but I can still read the letters made of light green frosting.

'Would you...'

I read it again and again until I finally realize that something is missing. I don't know if he had brushed it away or if he wasn't finished until I wanted to see it. But clearly he wanted to give me some message, even using frosting with my favorite color.

"Would I what?"

I look up to him, to search his eyes. But in the next moment they are only a blur.

I feel both of his warm hands on each of my cheeks and his breath on my lips. But both of it is forgotten, when he actually kisses me.

I think my heart stops for a moment, as my breath gets caught in my throat. My eyes are as wide open, as I can open them. I let the cookie fall on the floor. My mind is spinning.

His lips feel so warm and soft and so much better than I could remember them. There is this warm feeling inside me I had the last time we were kissing on the beach at the Quarter Quell. It feels exactly the same, only better.

Then I suddenly notice something. I am not kissing back. That's the moment, when he let's go, his eyes cast on the floor and his expression even sadder, than before.

"Would you kiss me?" he softly says.

I couldn't be happier at the moment. 'Of course! Over and over again.' I wanted to scream, but I can't bring myself to, since I can't understand, why he feels so sad. But then I do.

He thinks that I didn't want to kiss him. He thinks that I didn't like it, so I didn't kiss back. But he is so wrong.

"You wouldn't, would you?" He doubts it and I still can't find myself to speak. But actions speak loader than words can ever do.

So I take the front of his apron to pull him closer to me and I close my eyes, when I feel his lips against mine. I feel him tense up for a moment, but eventually relaxes and so do I. Then he kisses me back, while his arms embrace my slowly.

Peeta doesn't notice that the front door opens and closes softly. Even the cool air that comes with it stays mostly unnoticed. I only open one eye slightly, to see Haymitch standing in the doorway with a wide grin on his face.

At the moment I want to break the kiss, he mouths something and I suppose he says "It's about time." Then he turns around and leaves again to leave me and Peeta alone…

…Kissing…

**_****  
****  
Turned at the end totally different out, than I first wanted this chapter, but I still like it. And I hope, so do you.**** :D**


	7. The First Laughter

7. The First Laughter

Kissing was just the best thing that could happen to us. We didn't needed to talk about it and our first kiss after all this time felt just real and right. And there are so many ways of kissing. There are those small pecks, only slight brushes of our lips, whenever one of us enters the room, when Peeta had one of his flashbacks or after my nightmares. Then there are those kisses I get from Peeta whenever we go to sleep and when I wake up. Those are slightly deeper and last a little bit longer. And at last there are the kisses that bring some fire inside of me alive. They consist of moving our lips together and pushing our bodies impossible close together. I always get them after a long day, when I was hunting and Peeta in his bakery.

But we never kiss, when somebody is around, no matter if it's some of customers or just Haymitch. It makes me uncomfortable just by thinking about it. And I think that Peeta is feeling the same. I suppose that's one of the reasons why he couldn't look at anybody, when he or she ran into us.

And sometimes I see Peeta thinking. Of course it's normal to think but with the look he has always on his face, so thoughtful and slightly lost, I always get a strange feeling. I am often afraid that something about kissing or our relationship in whole makes him uncomfortable. I hope he doesn't want to change anything, because I think it is just as good as it is. Those are the moments when I quietly whisper his name to get his attention. And when he turns his head slightly in my direction I reach up and kiss him. I let my action speak as if I would say it with words: 'Don't doubt us.' And I always think that everything is alright, when he kisses back. These are the moments when I get warm and tingling feelings in my stomach. Then I want _more_, although I don't know, what this 'more' is.

But it's not only the fire inside me that gets hungrier and warmer each day, but also the weather. As fast as winter came, as fast comes spring, my favorite season.

Soon all the snow is molten. Grass gets greener each day and flowers bloom slowly. Peeta and mine garden comes to life. Some days ago I saw the first dandelion in the forest, reminding me of Peeta and I smiled.

That was the day, when I made a decision.

It helped, when Peeta said, that his co-workers are doing fine and they can soon handle their jobs alone, without Peeta assisting them. That meant, that he will have some free days again, where he could do, whatever he liked. And when I heard that, I knew that I was ready for the next step: to share something with me, just like he had done with me on his bakery re-opening.

I open my eyes slightly, when the sunlight tickles my face. Today is Peeta's first free day he had since our first kiss.

I smile, when I feel his arms around my waist and his body pressed against mine. There is now disturbing sound, that woke us at around 4 o'clock. There is no darkness outside. There is just Peeta and me.

I turn around to greet him and I see that he is still asleep. I smile. Then I reach up with one hand slowly, stroking with one finger over the bridge of his nose slightly. "Peeta." I say as softly as I can, but waking somebody up, without screaming or trashing around, is a completely new experience.

He stirs slowly and his eyes begin to twitch. "Peeta." I whisper again, leaning towards him and give him a light kiss on his lips. After some time, he opens his eyes, looking at me questioning and tired. "Katniss?" he asks with a sleepy voice and brushes a strand of hair out of my face and behind my ear. "I thought we would sleep in." "We slept in. It's already past 8." He groans, he closes his eyes again and then he yawns.

"Can't we stay in bed all day?" He asks, stroking my cheek. "We deserve it. C'mon Katniss." "But I want to go _hunting_." I plead and try to give him a slight hint of what I have in mind, by emphasizing. I think I see him shuddering slightly and I know that he didn't miss it. Yet, he doesn't open his eyes and so I lean my head down again and try to kiss him awake, again. I want to see his eyes, when I tell him, what I am thinking about.

When I pull back I find his blue eyes finally open again, looking at me. "I want to go hunting with you, Peeta. Come with me into the forest."

I finally have the effect, I wanted. His eyes open at first in surprise but then they twinkle slightly, just like a lake in sunlight and his lips form a soft smile. "I will."

It still takes us some time to get up. I don't know, what it is, but Peeta can't let go of me for even a few minutes and so we end up kissing again. But I don't mind, since I think my words and my decision made him really happy.

It's a particular warm spring day and it is around 10 o'clock when we are finally in the woods. People are already busy, since they work again on all the unfinished houses, they left the year before. District Twelve will soon be finished, I know it.

Peeta looks around in awe, when only trees and bushes do surround us. When his expression gets sadder, I know he is thinking about the first games, since everything looks exactly like in the first arena. Or better to say, the first arena looked exactly like my woods.

"It's amazing." He breaths. "Did you ever think about it? Going inside the woods?" I ask, looking at him, while I let go of his hand, for the first time since we left our home. He shakes his head. "No. There were so many things to do in my father's bakery and we all had to help. There wasn't much time, between school and bakery, to go out and take a walk in the forest. And I always thought, it was just too dangerous. Well, at least that was, what we were told." He sighs. "Your father told showed you everything, you had to know about the woods."

I nod, while we go deeper into the forest, my bow with one ready arrow raised. But I know, that with Peeta by my side, I won't find any game. His steps are still loud, but not as loud and uncontrolled than the last time. But I don't want it any other way. I knew what I've gotten myself into, when I asked him to come with me.

"I want to show you something." I tell him and smile, lowering my bow slightly. "What is it?" He asks, sounding excited, like a little boy wanting candy. "Just wait and see."

As we walk through the woods, I tell him, which plants and berries are editable and so we pick a few and lay them into my games back. I am also able to shoot an squirrel that dares to cross our way. It way a perfect shoot – right through the eye.

"Wow. I never thought that a place like this would exist in Twelve." Peeta exclaims, when he sees the lake for the first time. "That's where you learned swimming?" I nod, slightly embarrassed that he still knows about my good swimming skills.

I turn around and look at him. "I can teach you to be a good swimmer, too, if you want." He nods and takes a few steps forward, to stand directly next to me. "But not today." I continue, "The water is still too cold. I don't want anybody of us to have the flu." "But you can handle that just fine. I experienced it myself." I am glad that he remembers that, without any flashback. So I take his hand.

"Let's sit down for a while at the shore."

We do and start to talk about random things. But mostly they are not so random.

Talking about our families and the past seems so much easier than it was before. Talking about the war is so much easier. Even talking about Prim isn't that hard anymore.

"What are you thinking about all the time?" I ask suddenly and it seems like it is coming out of nowhere. But it's bothering me for some time now and it feels just right, to finally ask. He looks at me and his brows furrow at my question. "Right now I was thinking about our dinner. I am still not sure, what we should cook and-" "No. You are sometimes deeply in your thoughts. You look like something is wrong and you want to change it, but you don't know how."

He looks out to the water and I know, he knows exactly what I am talking about. "It's nothing bad, is it?" He shrugs slightly with his shoulders and I gulp, before he turns back to me.

I know it was a bad idea, to ask him. I don't want him to be mad at me and I hope that my curiosity isn't annoying him.

"Katniss…", he starts slowly, taking my hand and I can clearly feel, that I have gotten pale. "I don't want you to worry, do you hear me? It's nothing bad, really. It's just that I can't make up my thoughts." "Then we should talk about it. You know that we can talk about everything." He nods, pressing my fingers slightly in assurance. "Yes, I know that. Don't worry." "And?" I ask and hope that he will finally speak up.

He looks back to the water, closing his eyes slightly. "No, not right now Katniss. I have to be sure about things, first." I sigh. "Peeta-"

Before I know, what's happening, I see the water of the lake break, splashing us, just slightly. A fish, beautiful with its grey fins and shed dress jumped slightly in the air, possibly catching some insect that flew right over the surface. I can't feel Peeta's hand on mine anymore, even before the fish hits the water again and dives back to where it came from.

I look to Peeta, only to see him standing, his eyes wide in shock and breathing heavenly. It's a strange sigh and I feel myself smiling just slightly.

"Peeta?" I ask softly and I am shocked, when I hear amusement in it slightly and he finally looks at me, lowering him down next to me. He licks his lips slightly, before Peeta speaks up again. "That fish nearly scared me to death." I exclaim, looking at me serious and I know that he can't understand why I am smiling. And so do I.

"You were frightened because of a fish? Peeta!" "That isn't funny, Katniss." But somehow it is. I laugh. Just slightly, but I do and I try to hide it behind my hand. I know, it's a silly reason to laugh, but I can't suddenly help myself anymore.

His eyebrows rise, but when Peeta notices, what exactly is going on, he begins to laugh, too. "Katniss!" He suddenly says and I know that every possible game is now miles away. But I don't mind. "You are laughing."

I stifled my laughter, until Peeta began to laugh and now, we are both laughing, mostly about the other. But, no, I don't mind. I can't even remember the last time that I have laughed like this, or even laughed at all.

It's maybe because, just for one tiny moment, I let the past behind and everything bad that happened in it. This is one of the moments, worth remembering.

Before we even have stopped our laughter, Peeta leans towards me, kissing me. He breaks away after just seconds. "I like your laughter, Katniss."

I take deep breaths to calm myself, before I nod. "I like yours, too." He chuckles lightly and I wish that we could freeze that moment. Or that another fish would startle Peeta again to let me laugh about him, again.

He looks out towards the lake again and he sighs and I know, he made some decision. But he doesn't say it immediately. Instead, he leans in again, kissing me again. I close my eyes slightly and savor it.

This kiss is different. I can feel it clearly. It is loving and caring, yes. But there is more longing behind it, more passion. I nearly jump away from him, when I feel his tongue brushing my bottom lip slightly, giving me an amount of new feelings and a new desire to fulfill.

I let one of my hands wander over his back, while the other one strokes the back of his neck. Peeta sighs at this happily, both of his hands on my waist, also something new, since they always were on my back or in my hair and I feel his tongue again. That's the moment, when I allow myself to do the same, just testing and tasting.

When our tongues touch, I feel like something is exploding inside of me. It's overwhelming.

Eventually we have to stop, because of the lack of air.

I look at him, wondering where this came from and I suddenly feel how fast my heart is pounding in my chest. He reaches up, to brush a strand of hair behind my ear, just like he did this morning.

"Katniss." He suddenly whispers, never leaving my eyes. "I want to sleep with you."

Suddenly all the laughter is forgotten.  
**_****  
****Yes, I know I am evil…**


	8. The First Dance

8. The First Dance

I am angry at Peeta. So angry.

How could he destroy this wonderful moment we had? It was the first time we were together in the forest, by the lake and it was the first time we ever kissed like that. So passionate and with so much longing. I can still feel my toes curling and my stomach turning.

But right now, there isn't much kissing anymore, or any touching at all. It just doesn't feel right for me.

I know how sweet he was, by telling me that he wants to share not only his mind with me, but also his body. I am thinking about that step from time to time, too. But for me it's still a step, far away in the future.

We didn't talk about what had happened on the lake, although we had agreed before to talk about everything. But how can we talk about something, when I am afraid of the result, no matter what it will be.

We are acting like were supposed to in the past: Being the star crossed lovers whenever anyone is near and seemingly not knowing each other while we are on our own. Nobody seems to question it.

"You should talk with him, sweetheart." Haymitch tells me, patting my shoulder slightly as he looks at me.

Right now I am not searching comfort in Peeta, like I would always do. No, I felt that this is something you should talk about with your mentor. And that is the person, which Haymitch will also be to me. It may also help that we are alike and that Haymitch is male, underneath all his drunkenness and may understand Peeta on that part.

"And what should I tell him?" I ask, finally tearing my eyes of his two little baby geese by my feet. "'I am sorry Peeta that I slightly overreacted when you told me that you wanted to have sex with me.'?"

He sighs, knowing well that this is going to be a hard job and steps away from me, to feed his geese. "What did you say again, when he told you that?" "I mostly told him that he can't possibly be true about what he is saying and that he should stop joking." "But he wasn't joking" "Yes, well, I suppose. I think it sounded insulting to him and so we dropped that topic quiet fast. But since that we weren't talking much. Especially not that."

Haymitch nods and a look is on his face that makes clear that he is thinking about something. "First of all: He is a boy, after all that happened. And a boy has hormones and feelings and other…_stuff."_ "Don't go into detail." I haven't told Haymitch that Peeta sometimes gets erections when he is sleeping. He isn't supposed to know it in anyway. This whole conversation is embarrassing enough as it is.

"Alright, sweetheart. Well, and as a boy as Peeta is, he won't be thinking about love and romance all the time." "But he is Peeta!" "Exactly. He _is _Peeta. And I have to tell you: The phrase '_Making love' _isn't coming out of nowhere. You know, there is this sex, which is only rough and for fun. But there is also this way of sharing each other that is just a natural step in some relationship."

I shudder slightly, since I can't imagine Haymitch doing something like sex. Yes, I know he had 'a girl' but I don't choose to dwell on it and think about it more, than I am supposed to.

But suddenly, something rings inside of me. "Making love." I repeat slightly, more to myself than for Haymitch. He only looks up questioning, cursing slightly when one of his geese, one with a little black patch on one wing and called 'Daisy', bites his finger. "What have you said, sweetheart?"

I choose to ignore him.

Could it possibly be that sex wasn't just for enjoyment in Peeta's eyes, but actually the next step in our relationship? Was maybe all, he wanted to say to me at that moment 'I love you.'

I bite my lip slightly.

After all that had happened, would Peeta tell me this again and this time it's only meant for me. And this time would it be real, not only for the cameras. But it was also real, back then. He only forgot.

I take a sharp breath, when I realize that I have bitten my lip so hard that it is bleeding now.

"I still think that you don't deserve him, you know?" Haymitch says, sitting down on the one bench in his garden, next to me. I roll my eyes. "Will I ever change your mind in that way?"

He raises his eyebrows. "What are you saying?" "I say that I deserve Peeta." "I am not convinced. Are you even convinced yourself? Do you want actually to say that you love him?" I blink as if Haymitch just wanted to hit me.

Do I love Peeta? That's one question I haven't asked myself for a long time. It could be that I feel about him in that way, yet I am not entirely sure. I only know that this feeling I have for Peeta is more than just 'like' and I hope that he knows that already.

"Even if I loved him, you wouldn't be certainly the first I am telling that." "Would Peeta be the first?" "Of course. Who else would I tell that?" He shrugs his shoulders again. "I don't know. Maybe that stupid cat?"

I sigh and get up from where I am sitting.

"Are you going to see Peeta?" he asks, looking at me. I nod. "But not right now. He is still working." "It's tough today, isn't it?"

It is certainly tough today. The last house of District Twelve was rebuilt just a few days ago and that's a reason enough for everybody to celebrate it. I didn't want to go in the morning, but I know Peeta wanted it. But now it feels just right, since it is part of living and a remainder of the promise: Letting their deaths count.

"Will you go, too?" I ask, as if I told him my thoughts. But Haymitch seems to know, what I am talking about. "Of course. Free alcohol for me." I roll my eyes again and I know that this is the only reason, why he would leave his precious cats. Well, that and to have an eye or both on me and Peeta, to know that I am not doing anything wrong, again.

So we leave together and soon enough we can already hear music, loud and happy, coming from the square. Somebody stumbles past us, already clearly drunk.

Celebrations in Twelve are nothing to compare to those in the Capitol, but I like these here better. There isn't so much different food to eat, or so much to drink and there isn't the habit to vomit so you can eat and drink even more. There aren't even the dances you can do, standing only on a plate. It isn't as colorful. But here in Twelve it's friendlier, more inviting and mostly here it's funnier.

I search Peeta with my eyes. But I only see Greasy Sae, giving cups of self-made soup away, consisting mostly of plants and game I have caught. Her granddaughter and some other children are dancing in the middle of the square, like some other people are doing it, too. I see Thom and some other ex-miners standing together, laughing, drinking and talking.

But Peeta is nowhere to be seen.

Suddenly Haymitch hands me something and I look down to see pitcher filled with something that is definitely alcoholic. Haymitch's is already half-emptied and I ask myself where he got those. "Only if you need a little help." He says as an explanation and point's suddenly in some direction. "And there is Peeta."

I turn around to see him. Hidden somewhere in the crowd. He is selling bread for the soup Greasy Sae made. No, he isn't selling it he is giving it away for free. Only his view makes me smile slightly until my stomach tightens again.

I want to tell him that I am sorry but I don't know where to start. And although I lived with Peeta some time now together, I am still not as capable of words like he always is. The crowd around him doesn't make it easier, either.

I take a long breath and look to Haymitch, waiting for me to make some decision. I look back down to the pitcher in my hands, before I close my eyes and lift it to my lips.

I empty it without putting the pitcher down again. When I have finished it, I hand the now empty pitcher to Haymitch. I feel dizzy immediately, since I am not used to alcohol. "That's my girl." He says from next to me, clearly amused.

I take another deep breath and when I see that there isn't somebody wanting bread in that minute, I walk over towards Peeta with as much courage as I can muster at that moment. But the alcohol in my blood system is a big help.

I stop right in front of him, with only the table where his bread lays separating us.

His eyes open more in surprise, when he sees me and his brows raise. "Katniss!" And he is sounding surprised, too. "Hey." I start slowly and hope he that he can't hear that I have drunk something. Or smell it.

"I thought that you didn't want to come here." He is right, but that was before I changed my mind. "Yes." I answer quietly. "But then I thought about it, again and I wanted to come here. For you."

A light smile crosses his features, the first real smile since the happenings on the lake.

"Can I help you in any way." I ask and look down to his bread. Talking with him seems still a little awkward. But it's right. "I don't know." I can clearly hear that he must be thinking the same and when I look up and search his eyes I notice, he is still looking at me.

"Go and have some time with your girlfriend, Peeta." I hear suddenly somebody say and see Greasy Sae coming towards us with her huge pot of soup in her hands. "I am not that old, you know. I can give out soup _and_ bread at the same time." She sets down the pot where is some free space for it and makes a hand movement that says us, we should go. "Now shoo! Go and have your fun.

We thank her at the same time and when Peeta comes on my side of the table to meet me, he takes my hand in his. I smile automatically at him.

"We should talk. What do you think?" I nod my head slightly and we begin to walk until we reach a bench, where we can be on our own for some time.

We sit there for some minutes in silence, holding hands and starring at our feed. He is the one, to speak up at first:

"You know that I am sorry, Katniss. I shouldn't have said _that__,_ as if it was the most normal thing. You were right. We should talk about everything, beforehand." "It is okay." I say quietly and feel that the alcohol also had started to speak, along with me. My first intention was to let speak Peeta and only agree and disagree. But this thought is pushed far away, again.

"You had your reasons, I suppose." He nods and I see, although it's already dark that his cheeks turn pink slightly. "Do you want to tell me?" I ask, try to sound softly and stroke with my free hand of his, which is holding mine.

"Yes. Of course!" He blurts out, and then sighs. "I am only afraid of how you will react. Although it can't be worse than back on the lake." I think this was supposed to be a joke and so I laugh, just slightly and the remembrance of the same feeling I had on the lake re-appears. "No I suppose not."

But then I think about it. Could anything he wants to say worse, then his last proposal? I doubt it, slightly. And yet I don't want to make anything worse, than it already is.

"But you don't have to tell me, if you don't want to." I mutter quietly and hope that he could hear it.

"But I want to!" He says out loud, startling me. "I want to." He repeats again, more quietly and softer this time. This makes me smile.

He looks directly to me, smiling, before he lifts my hand to his lips, to kiss it, never leaving my glance. Automatically I get a warm and tingly feeling inside of me.

"Katniss…" He says softly, making a slight break for me and I hold my breath. But when he opens his mouth again, his words are interrupted by somebody shouting, clearly sounding drunk.

"Hey! Katniss! Peeta! C'mon, you two should be dancing!"

We turn around and see Thom, trying to hold his balance on a lamppost. "I can't dance." I hear Peeta mumble next to me and because I have drunk alcohol, too, I giggle slightly. That must also be the reason, along with the courage I have found again, why I pull him up and towards the square. Whatever he wanted to say is forgotten for the moment.

"But you have already danced in Capitol-style. And you weren't that bad." I assure him and try to sound as convincing as I can. "Capitol-style?" Peeta repeats, sounding amused by that word. I nod. "Yes. And dancing here isn't that different."

But it is. It's faster. You need more space. And you need to be very fit to dance for a long while.

I try to push any memory of Prim and myself dancing far away in my mind and look at Peeta, when he looked at the other dancers around us. He only looks back at me, when I place one of his hands on my waist. I put one on his shoulder, holding his other firmly.

"And now?" He asks, while we stand like that for some time. "Well." I say. "Just dance. You are the one, who must be leading."

His brows raise and while he is still looking towards other couple, he starts moving and soon enough we are doing something like dancing.

It has to do with a lot getting used to, especially if we want to move into different directions. Mostly we end up, pumping into each other or other couples around us. Soon enough I can't feel my toes anymore, since Peeta stepped on them a few times by accident. While moving his hand on my waist slips also once to my behind. When he noticed that, his cheeks had turned a deep shade of red, apologizing. But I don't care.

Because dancing with Peeta consists of many smiles and much laughter. Especially since we are pretty awful in it. But it doesn't matter, as long as I am with him, twirling around, jumping around on the square with no one judging us.

Soon enough we have wasted our last breath and decide to take a break.

We stand among other people, who are eating, drinking and watching the dancers, still holding hands. "That was fun." I hear him and before I can help myself, I pull him down for a kiss.

I don't mind the people around us, although I can hear somebody whispering in awe. This makes me kiss Peeta even deeper and I am glad to feel him returning it.

He was right. This was fun. This was so right and it felt like freedom. Just like living. And with the kiss I want to thank him.

I pull away slightly and look at him, before I reach up again to bring my lips to his ears. "Let's go home, Peeta." I whisper, while I am surprised that it sounded something like seducing. But I know, whatever would happen, it's okay, I suppose.

He looks at me, judging whether I am joking or not but eventually he smiles, nodding. He takes my hand again and we make our way through the crowd together, never letting go.

While we walk back to Victors Village, we stay quiet, just enjoying each other's company. Sometimes we just stop, look at each other and kiss for a moment, before we continue our way back home.

Haymitch's geese are quiet when we reach our house, but there is light shining through his windows. He must left some time ago, probably before he was too drunk to go back home, alone.

When we stop at the front door, I look into Peeta's eyes. "Do you still want to sleep with me?" I ask, my head dizzy and my legs wobbly. Suddenly I know that, whatever Haymitch gave me, I shouldn't have drunk it. I think, up to this point I would have gotten on my own.

He sighs but then he nods his head slightly. "Yes." He tells me with an earnest voice. "But not today. Not now." I raise my eyebrows and open my mouth and I know I want to object, just something, but I feel a finger on my lips, which silences me.

"You have drunk something, Katniss. I can taste, smell and hear it in your voice. It just doesn't feel right." He may be right, but if not now, when then? I am sure I will not feel this brave again, in the next time. I will be too shy, I know it. This must it be, what he called me: 'pure'.

I pout. "Please, Peeta." I plead, while my head starts throbbing. "No, Katniss." He kisses my cheek, a light brush that is not even close to satisfy me. "Can you then tell me at least, what you wanted to tell me?" I remember it. He wanted to tell me something, before we danced.

He shakes his head and I feel slightly disappointed. "Not now. You are drunk. Another time. I promise."

I'll remember that and suddenly I am glad that he doesn't have something else in mind. Because, suddenly, I feel the re-appearance of the alcohol in my throat. I know, I shouldn't have drunk everything at once.

I reach the toilette in time and I am glad, that Peeta is by my side. Again.  
**_****  
Only two more chapter****s to go :D**


	9. The First Bath

**Got the idea for this chapter after a talk with a good friend. Hope you enjoy it.****  
_**

9. The First Bath

"Peeta." I whisper wistfully and sigh.

I came home early today after I was hunting, because of the heavy rain and Peeta is still in his bakery, working.

It had been a few days now since I was the one who interrupted the moment we had. Only because I listened to Haymitch and I to drink for some more courage. I groan and hide in my knees when I remembered the moment I had to vomit because of it, with Peeta by my side. I feel like such an idiot.

I still remember everything, from the talk we had to our dancing and the public kiss. Peeta told me afterwards that he liked it somehow, but we should still stay private.

I touch my neck gingerly and feel the skin where Peeta had kissed me yesterday evening. The spot still tingles and when I close my eyes, I swear that I can still feel Peeta's lips there. That kiss felt so intimate.

It was after a nightmare. It was a pretty ugly and bad one with Prim turning into a mutt, hunting me down until she could ram her teeth in my throat. I was crying and Peeta was there like always, comforting me. Although his arms feel save and his lips secure me even more, it takes me always some time to calm down. But eventually I did.

We laid there for some time when I stopped crying. Just staring into each other's eyes through the covers of darkness. Until Peeta spoke up again:

"I promised to tell you something." I only nodded, not knowing how to feel. "And I told you that you didn't need to tell me." "But I want to!" He said, maybe even louder than he wanted to. I saw his eyes closing for a second, taking a deep breath. "I love you."

I still feel slight goose bump on my arms, when I remember that moment. Yet, I only laid there, not knowing how to react or what to say. And I was sure that Peeta wanted an answer. But I wasn't quite sure what it was. And I am still not sure. I only know that this feeling for Peeta inside of me must be close to love. I am sure about this.

So I kissed him, to show that he shouldn't worry and I will definitely be some day able to say these three words, too.

Kissing Peeta became some kind of adventure I wasn't aware of before. It wasn't until he laid suddenly on top of me, when I realized this change about us. Touching became more daring, although nobody dared to touch inappropriate placed. Kissing isn't only meant for our lips, cheeks or foreheads anymore. Our lips sometimes begin to wander. From lips to chins, down the neck to shoulders. I find Peeta very talented in it and often find myself craving for more.

And he isn't that afraid of his own erection anymore. I noticed it last night, again and I suppose, Peeta did it, too. But he didn't pull away, like he would normally do. I think that he only pressed it a little more against my thigh as if he wanted to say something.

That was the moment when I remembered Haymitch's words. I knew in that moment that sex meant for Peeta 'Making love' and he only expressed it wrong at the lake.

But we didn't sleep with each other yesterday. "You still need time, Katniss." He only whispered in my ear, before he left the bed to take a cold shower.

I think my hands became raisins and the water is much cooler now, but I still stay in the bathtub. It helps me think, at least I suppose it does.

But why do I still need time? Does Peeta want me to be completely sure about my feelings? About our first time? I think he is afraid that I will regret it afterwards. But I wouldn't.

Or, would I?

I hear a low mew next to me and look over rim of the bathtub to see Buttercup sitting there. I look directly into his large cat eyes and remember that I still haven't given him something to eat. But judging the time I know that Peeta will be home very soon and he will give Buttercup something to eat. He is very font of Buttercup, telling me that his mother never allowed them any pets. I smile sadly when he told me that one of his older brother's had a black eye for over a week since he brought home a young dog he had found. Although his mother was devilish, I know he is missing her.

Buttercup mews again and I roll my eyes. "I am still in the _water_." I tell him and emphasize the word 'water' especially, knowing that this will bring him to remember the time I nearly drowned him.

Like I have pushed a button, he hisses at me and leaves the bathroom. That is the moment when I noticed that I left the door open and if Peeta would come, he would definitely see me. But it doesn't feel too wrong to me.

Suddenly I hear the front door open and close, followed by Peeta's voice, talking with Buttercup.

My heart starts pounding faster in my chest and I take another door towards the opened bathroom door. I bite my lip, before I lower myself more into the water, until I am covered by foam and water, apart from my head. I don't want him to see my scare-covered, patch-work-skin body.

"Peeta!" I call them and dig my fingernails into my thighs, closing my eyes.

"Katniss?" I hear him answer and it sounds like he is in the kitchen. "C-can you come for a moment?" I am stuttering and take another deep breath to open my eyes, while my thighs begin to hurt slightly because of the assault on them.

It takes some time for him to answer, but when he does he sounds quite surprised. "Of course. Where are you." "Bathroom." I try to sound convinced but when I hear my voice faint away slightly, I know that I have failed at that.

I hear his steps coming closer and they sound steady. I know that he isn't suspecting something like this. And yet I don't know what he is suspecting at all.

I see his surprised face when he finds the door open and his features become very fast ashamed and uncomfortable when he notices me. Before he turns around completely I see that his cheeks became a very deep shade of red.

"Yes?" He says and his voice sounds higher than normal. I only smile at that.

"How was your day?" I ask as if it was the most normal question on this situation. "Katniss." He starts slowly and I hear him gulp. "You are in the bathtub. Can't you ask me this another day time? Maybe without foam and water and with more cloths on. Or any cloths on?"

My thighs hurt badly so I let go and so my hands are becoming fists. My fingernails are now digging into my palms. "No." I answer as calmly as I can and still look at his back. He is so muscular and his shoulder's so broad. For one moment I wish, I could let my hands wander over his back, without his shirt on.

I blush immediately at this though. "So, how was your day?" I ask again.

"Normal. Customers came and brought bread, cakes and cookies. Like every day. Nothing special. How was hunting." "Not bad. I shoot a deer and a few squirrels. And a bunny. I have already brought some game to Greasy Sae and I have cleaned the rest." I try to sound normal, as if nothing was different. Just like we were sitting on the sofa, chattering about the day.

"Are you tired?" I ask, looking back to Peeta. But he hasn't moved. He is still facing the wall. "Yes? Like always, I suppose. Can I go now? I will close the door for you, Katniss." I shake my head, although he won't see it. "No."

I look to the water, before I continue. "Don't you want…" I make a short break to take another deep breath. "come here with me? In the bathtub."

I know that his eyes are widening now and maybe his mouth stands open. He is surely speechless right now.

And so it is. It takes him some time to find his voice again and I ask myself the whole time, if this was such a good idea.

"Are you sure?" He suddenly asks and I turn back to him. "Of course." I say, trying to sound convincing. "I won't look when you undress and step into the bathtub. I promise. But I want you to be here with me."

I hear him sigh and his muscles are finally relaxing, just slightly but they do. "You want to bath with me. Real or not real?" "Real." I tell him without hesitation, which I am surprised of myself.

He is finally turning around again but he never dares to look at me. "But close your eyes." He says, trying to sound stern. But when I see that little smile on his face and the now lighter blush on his face, I know that he fails to be too serious about this.

"Okay." I close my eyes and wait, only listening to his breathing and the noises of removing cloths. I wait. And wait. And finally the surface of the water breaks and everything is moving around me.

"Okay. It's save. You can open your eyes now." He chuckles nervously. "The water could be warmer."

I do as he told me and meet his blue eyes. "Are you complaining anything?" I ask while I judge the situation.

Peeta sits at the other end of the bathtub, while his hands are holding the rim. His legs are pulled back slightly and I can see his knees over the water surface, nearly touching mine. I see a slight gleam of silver beneath the water and I know that he is still wearing his prosthetic. In the end I find myself starring at his well-defined chest and wonder how the rest of his body must look like. He looks even stronger back then, when I found him in the first games, covered with mutt and dirt, nearly bled to death.

I just want to reach out to touch him.

"I am not complaining anything." He finally answers and after some time he adds: "This feels strange. Of course not in a bad way. I would even call it…" "Nice?" I finish and I am glad that he is thinking the same when he nods.

We look at each other, not knowing what to say or to do. Finally I bring one of my hands over the surface and lay it on one of Peeta's. He smiles.

"We should have done this earlier. There is nothing wrong about it." "Yes." I agree, stroking the back of his hand with one finger. "But I am sure that I wouldn't be ready for this, if it had been earlier." "So, this is the right moment then?" "Yes." I answer again, feeling strange because I only give him one-word answers.

"What did you mean last night?" I answer, carefully and reach up with my other hand to touch his. "About that I still need time. What time, Peeta?"

He looks stunned and lowers his eyes for a moment, than looking back directly at me, again. "I want you to be completely sure. About everything. About our first time. About what it may mean for us. For me and especially for you. "He sighs, before he continues. "I _know_ you, Katniss. I want you to be sure about your feelings. I don't doubt you love me in any way. Well, at least I hope you do. But you have to be completely sure. Not sure, because alcohol tells you so. Or sure, because you feel like it may be bothering me. It doesn't, Katniss. I love you and I can wait."

Throughout his speech I have lowered my eyes. Did I become this predictable? I think I did, because this is exactly what I was thinking. And hearing it Peeta say makes it only clearer for me.

"Thank you." Is everything I can say. And yet it isn't saying enough.

I touch one of his knees with mine. Just a light brush and I am glad when he returns it with the other. I smile and look at him.

"Peeta?" I ask carefully. "Yes, Katniss?" "Do you mind if I would come over to you and kiss you? Right now?"

I know this is a completely new, huge step. But I hope that he doesn't mind. But he doesn't.

When he answers I don't bother anymore to stay completely under water. I don't bother when my chest is slightly above the surface, since his eyes are completely fixed on mine. I try to be careful, not touching anything that is under water, while I move. The water feels suddenly unbearable hot again.

Our lips are the only parts of our body that are touching, since Peeta helped, to lean forward slightly. It's just a careful brush, nothing too daring or longing. I am the one who breaks away.

I look at him and let my eyes wander lower again, wondering how the skin of his chest might feel. "I am not allowed to look, am I?" I hear him suddenly ask, tearing me out of his thoughts. I look back up, to see that he is now looking at the ceiling, looking slightly tense. I raise my eyebrows until I realize what he is meaning.

Half of my chest is still above the water.

Feeling brave enough today I lean to his ear. "You are even allowed to touch, if I am allowed, top." He takes in a sharp breath and when I pull back, he his blushing, just like I do, too. "Really?" He asks, looking at me with wide eyes, sounding exited. I have to laugh at this slightly. He blushes even deeper when he realized, what he had just said. "Sorry…I didn't mean to-" "Don't worry." I tell him.

He nods but he isn't still looking at me. "Peeta." I sigh his name. "I mean, what I say."

But still he doesn't look down. I bite my lip and hope I won't take a step too far.

So I gripped one of his hands slightly to bring it between us. Now he stirs, but only to look at our hands with interest in what I am doing.

His hand feels numbly. It's neither pulling back from my reach nor pushing into it. I close my eyes and move his hand until it's fingertips a lightly brushing my flesh. And even this feels already amazing.

His fingers twitch lightly, as if he was about to pull away, but I only repeat this light brushing again.

I open my eyes and see Peeta finally looking down, looking like he is amazed by himself. This time he is the one who moves his fingertips lightly over my breast, brushing just slightly over my nipple.

This feels good and I have to bite my lip, or I will moan quietly.

"This is okay, yes?" He asks, brushing another time, this time with his other hand my other breast. I nod, my eyes locked on what he is doing.

I know that I have lost the fight, when Peeta lays one of his hands over my breast and I moan lightly, giving in to this wonderful feeling. He pulls away immediately and I know that thinks that he has hurt me. But he hasn't. "It's okay." I say, now finally letting go of his one hand.

I lay both of mine flat on his. His skin is so soft and I can feel the muscles clearly. "Is this okay?" I ask, not wanting him to feel uncomfortable. "Yes. And this?" He puts now both of his hands on my breasts and I sigh happily. I can only nod and let my hands wander around his chest. Then I reach up and over his shoulders. His arms. And back to his chest. And all the time he cares me.

I lean in again and kiss him on his lips, closing my eyes, while I still feel around. He does the same and I can't help the sensations he gives me, by touching me.

Finally we pull our hands away from each other and press our upper bodies against each other, feeling flesh to flesh. Skin to skin. I try to move not too much, or sit completely on his lap, since I am not feeling ready for this. This is as much contact as I feel myself able to. And I think it's enough for the moment.

We pull away at the same time and Peeta's blue eyes are twinkling. He looks so unbelievable happy. And so do I feel.

I kiss him one last time on his lips, only a soft brush, while one of my hands lingers on his chest.

Then I pull away completely.

"We should get out." I say mournfully and Peeta's expression fells slightly. "Haymitch will be coming soon, helping to write our book." I explain and he nods, understanding.

"Yes. And we could repeat this. Maybe." He slowly says, reaching for a towel, hanging not far away from him. I smile. "Of course we will." And then I add:

"And Peeta? I am not regretting this."


	10. The First Time

**Last chapter. And I want t****o remember that this fiction is rated M for a reason. So, this is my first lemon, ever! ****  
Hope you enjoy it, though. :D****  
_****  
**

10. The First Time

Since Peeta and I had our first bath together, I find myself more often looking into the mirror. I am still afraid of that version of myself, which I see there.

"_You're not very big, are you? Or particularly pretty?" _I can often hear Peeta's voice inside my head, when I visited him in that hospital room, while doctors and Haymitch watched us, judging each of Peeta's reaction if he was recovering or not. Yes, I know that he loves me, but that isn't a warranty that he will find me beautiful or even pretty.

'Ugly' I sometimes think and I know that Peeta won't think different.

We may have touched of each other than I thought were possible, but we hardly ever look at each other's upper bodies. Mostly because those moments happen at night.

That makes me afraid of our first time. That Peeta can't bear to touch me any longer…or even look at me. And that might be the reason, why I hesitate day, for day and day.

My body tells me, that I am ready for this next step. I feel myself craving after each of Peeta's kisses and touches and I find myself wanting each day more. But I also want to touch him myself. Touch that soft skin of his neck, his chest and his stomach. And I want to touch lower. And I want to kiss him. Everywhere.

But my mind tells me something different.

I don't want to lose Peeta because of my body. I hope he doesn't mind, but he told me that he will be waiting for me.

But how long will he wait? Three days more? A week? A whole year? But what if he can't wait anymore? Will he then leave me or will I give in?

I sigh and lean my forehead against the cold mirror surface in front me.

I never thought that sex would be so difficult, or even that it could influence a relationship in a bad way. Well, all in all I never really thought about it at all. Between school, hunting, later the games and war wasn't much time for those thoughts. But Peeta made me think about the future in a good way.

"Katniss?" I hear Peeta's worried voice through the door and I look up, astonished.

I must be longer in the bathroom than I thought. And I told Peeta that I only would brush my teeth, before I come to bed.

As fast as I could I pull on my night shirt again, to cover my body, take the toothbrush and begin to brush finally my teeth.

"One moment!" I tell him beforehand and I don't take another look in the mirror.

When I have finished I go to the door, open it and find a sad looking Peeta behind it. "Is everything all right?" He asks with a low voice. I nod and try to smile. But as I notice that I fail, I reach only out to hug him.

"I just thought about …_ thing."_ I tell him, which isn't a lie at all. His arms are around me within a second and he lays his head on top of mine and I think I hear him exhaling the smell of my fresh washed hair. "And you have come to a conclusion?" He asks, stroking my back lightly.

This time I shake my head. "No. But don't worry." "I won't worry unless you tell me so." This makes me smile, since he sounds so much like my Peeta.

"Bed?" I ask him, trying to sound tired. I feel him nod and we go to our bed and lay under the covers. We found each other immediately.

I lay my head on his chest and sigh happily when I hear his heart pounding beneath my ear. I know it will soon soothe me into sleep, like this wonderful sound always does.

"Good night." I hear him whisper softly and kisses the top of my head. I reach up and kiss him on the lips. It's a sweet goodnight kiss, like always.

"I love you." He tells me, when we break the kiss, sounding as if he is in complete bliss. "I know." I answer and bite my lip, which I hope he can't see in the darkness. I can't still say these three words. I wish I could, since I know that I feel love for Peeta. At least I suppose this is love.

I lower my head back on his chest, listen to his heart and close my eyes in shame because of my cowardliness.

Then we lay there, while our breathing is the only sound in the darkness. I suppose Peeta is already asleep. He is mostly out, right after he had closed his eyes, since work is hard.

Hunting today made me tired, too. Yet, I find it hard to sleep.

I don't know what it is.

I suppose it's my bad conscience. We always try to talk about everything, every doubt and every fear and work things together out. But I can't find myself to speak to Peeta and tell him my fears of our first time.

I bite my lip again and try to stop thinking at all, so sleep can overtake me.

But it won't happen.

I don't know, how long I lay there, but it feels like a few hours. I snuggle closer in Peeta's chest. I want to hear his heartbeat louder, more, as if it was a lullaby. But it is. It's my lullaby. But today it's spell won't function on me.

I lay my hand where his heart is and stroke his chest lightly.

"Can't sleep?" I hear him suddenly ask and my eyes snap open. "Mhmm?" I ask and try to sound tired, as if I just woke. But I feel his eyes clearly on me, judging the situation. So I sigh. "No. But you aren't asleep, either."

"Yes." He admits and begins to stroke my hair lightly. "Because I know something is bothering you, Katniss." I stroke his chest again, mostly absently, while I speak: "You know me too well. But I am afraid to speak about it." "It isn't a nightmare, isn't it?" I shake my head lightly. "It isn't." I drop in silence for a moment.

"Peeta? Can I ask you something?" "Everything." "Do you think I am not '_particularly pretty'?" _I use the same words, like he did, back then and I hear that his heart speeds up for a moment. "Katniss." He begins sadly, before he takes a break and leaves our position for a moment to put on the light on the nightstand. My eyes hurt immediately because of the shark light and I press my eyes shut. When I open them again, I see Peeta looking at me and his eyes reflect so many emotions at once. Sadness. Anger. Concern. Surprise. Longing. Love.

"Not particularly pretty?" He asks and he takes one of my hands in his. "Who told you that? Who?" I blink. He doesn't seem to remember. I lower my eyes sadly. "You. When I visited you in the hospital room after Finnick's and Annie's marriage." His mouth drops open when I look back up, but he catches himself again.

"Katniss." He says, his voice now so much softer and I could have melted because of the pure love in it. "You are beautiful. Really. Please don't ever doubt this. Not even when I tell you so, because of my stupid flashbacks. The Capitol wanted me to say these things, because they wanted to break you. You are beautiful to me and you know that I love you. _Always."_

_'Always.'_ I repeat this word in my head, over and over and over again. That was it, what he whispered nights before the second game. And I know it's meaning, as if it had kicked some trigger in my head. Always. When he first saw me with only five years. When I was nothing but a young, hungry girl in the rain, searching for something to eat. When I was the one who wanted to kill him. When he thought, I have chosen Gale instead of him. While he was hijacked. Now. Always.

I just notice that I kiss him, when his arms are suddenly around me, kissing me back. I feel tears streaming down my face, but I don't mind. This kiss is salty, because of my tears but also full of fire and love. I never want to break away.

But eventually I have to, to breathe. And I hate myself for it. Because I don't need air to survive. Only Peeta.

He lays one hand on my cheek and kisses my tears away, then doing the same with the other. I blush lightly. "Don't cry, Katniss. Please." He whispers and it sounds sadly. I think that he doubts that I don't believe him. But I do. Even more: I want to return the love that he is giving me.

And suddenly I know that I don't need time anymore. This was the moment.

I hold Peeta's face in my hands, kiss is lips, before I lean to his ear. "Now." I whisper. When I look back he looks puzzled. But somewhere I see a little, hopeful shine in his eyes, showing that he knows what I mean.

I let go of his face and reach for the front of his shirt, pulling it over his head. "Katniss, we don't have to do this." He says calmly, as I run my fingers over his chest. I nod my head lightly. "Yes. I know." His eyes lower and he nods sadly. Then he wants to reach over, to kill the light. I catch his hand. "But I want to." I bite my lip before I add: "And I want to see you the whole time. Please let the lights on." "Okay."

I let go of his hand, before I lay my hands back on his chest. In the dim light his skins seems golden and I am so close that I can see blonde hair on his chest.

"Like what you see?" I hear him suddenly ask and he sounds cheeky. I smile. "Of course. But you know that already." He chuckles lightly, making his chest move and his whole body, too.

I roll us over, until he lies completely on his back, while I am on top of him, straddling him. A whole new experience. I trace the outlines of his muscles with my fingers, allowing myself to reach lower and to the same with the muscles on his stomach. He laughs lightly at that and I look up.

"You are ticklish?" I ask, surprised at that. He nods and I see a light blush on his cheek. "Yes. I know now that you have some advantage now." I don't ask, what this advantage will be, but I can't help the smile that spreads wider on my lips.

Then I lean down to kiss his chest lightly. Out of the corners of his eyes I can see that he closes his eyes, enjoying this visibly. His hands are on my back, stroking me.

I dare myself to kiss over his nipple and he sighs happily. So I do this again. And again. Until I let go of this spot to kiss his other. Then the spot where his heart might be. "Mine." I mumble and Peeta's eyes snap back open. "What?" I blush at this and sit up again, to look at him. "Your heart. It's mine, isn't it? And mine is yours."

I have never seen a more brilliant smile on Peeta's lips and the twinkle in his eyes reminds me so much of the stars. "Yes." He exclaims breathless, sitting up and he pulls me into a kiss.

Our tongues begin to touch, just light brushes and I press myself more into Peeta. My arms are around his shoulders, while one of his hands is in my hair, the other on my lower back, trying to press me more in his body, trying to make us one.

Soon enough the kiss is filled with more passion, with our tongues dancing together and our hands wandering around. Peeta pulls away suddenly, just slightly. I can feel his breath still on my lips and our noses are still touching. I try to look disappointed at this, but then I feel his hands on the rim of my night shirt. "Can I?" He whispers quietly, his eyes pleading. I give him a tiny nod, but he notices it.

Peeta takes all his time to remove my shirt. He has seen me without it already, but he wants this to be special. Not only for him, but for both of us.

When he throws the shirt on the ground I ignore the urge to cross my arms in front of my chest. Peeta's loving gaze makes this just impossible for me. I just lay my hands on his sides and let him watch all he wants.

Then he reaches for my cheek, pressing a firm kiss on my lips. "I told you that you are beautiful." His eyes are locked at mine, while his hand travels slowly over my chin, my neck, over my shoulders and end up on one of my breasts. He reaches up with the other, slowly stroking my skin. He begins testing: Stroking one breast, while he holds the other. Pressing his thumps against my nibbles. Listening to me, how I react.

He must be judging each change of my features, each sigh and each moan. When he finds something that he is judging for a very good reaction, he repeats this, for my pleasure. Soon enough I have closed my eyes and I can't help the sounds I am making. But this feels just too good.

I open them again, when I feel his lips on my breasts. I look down astonished and find this also very…nice. He his kissing over the swell of my breasts. Over the small nub, pressing firmer kisses on my nibbles.

I hold my breath when I feel his tongue there. He is trailing small traces over them, between them. Just everywhere.

I lay my hands on his head, in his blonde hair that shines in the light golden.

"Yes, Katniss?" He asks suddenly and while his lips leave my breasts, I leave this pleasure-filled wonderland. I look at him, raising my brows. "Yes? What do you want?" He asks a small smile grazing his features. I think that I must have said his name, without realizing it. I bite my lip, before I speak up again.

"I want you." I say and I am surprises how convinced that sounds.

His smile widens at this and his lips are on mine again. We lay down together, while I am on top of him. But then he rolls us over and I am surprised to feel him pressed between my legs. And he isn't pulling back.

Again we kiss, with more passion and longing than I ever thought possible. And there is something completely new in it. It doesn't take me long, to get used to it. It makes this room feel so much hotter, just like Peeta's skin. It's lust.

It must be the reason, why I let my hands wander over his back until they rest on his firm behind. He lets out a low groan and I know that he must like it.

He looks again at me, his heavy breath tickling my skin. He lays one hand next to my head, holding his body of mine, while one hand strokes again over my chest, then down over my stomach. And finally he reaches between my legs, on the outside of my pajama pants. I gasp immediately at this and my breathing increases.

"This is okay, yes?" He asks, not moving his hand at all. But I want it to do, anything, just not lying numbly between my legs. I bite my lips and nod. And I try to look convinced and pleading, to show him that whatever he wants to do, I let him.

And finally he begins to stroke my most private parts. Just lightly. Testing. But I like it already. I moan. I whisper his name with want. And soon enough his hands are inside my pants, gingerly touching with his fingertips.

"You are so soft." I hear him whisper in awe and as I open my eyes I see him looking down to his hand, seeing what he is doing. His fingers brush over my neither lips and I gasp again, before he finds my opening. He takes in a sharp intake of breath. Then he chuckles huskily. And it sounds so sexy.

"And you are already wet." I blush at that, not knowing if I have to apologize or if I must say anything. But he blushes, too and I smile. It vanishes, when his fingers start touching again and soon enough I can feel one of his fingers inside of me.

"Peeta!" I gasp and throw my head lightly in my back, mostly because of the pleasure, but also because of the slight surprise. He pulls away, leaving me wanting more, all over again. "Sorry. I didn't want to hurt you." I shake only my head. "No, it's okay. Please…" I lick my lips, suddenly so try. "Please do that again."

And he does, moving his finger this time in and out in a slow pace. In and out. In and out.

It makes me feel like I am burning. It's not bad at all and it doesn't scare me away, because this is a good kind of burning.

I gulp, before I moan loudly, because Peeta hit something very, very nice and lay one hand on his chest, letting it wander down, just like he did before. He doesn't seem to notice, until I reach directly into his pants and grab his half-erect member. He gasps and his eyes close for a moment, stilling his hand between my legs.

His skin feels soft, although his shaft feels hard. It's strange and yet it feels good and interesting at the same time. I feel around for a while. Peeta pulls out of me, which makes it better to concentrate on what I am doing on him.

I let my hand wander up and down. Only by feeling it in my hand I know he most have a certain length, I wasn't aware of and for a short moment fear grips me, as I realize that he has to fit into me, somehow. But I push that thought aside for a moment, when Peeta moans my name in bliss.

"This is good?" I ask, trying to sound seductive. He nods, moaning again, when I move my hand up and down his member, which becomes harder and harder with each moment. "Very." He finally gasps out, clenching his hand next to my hand into a fist.

His breathing becomes quicker, as I alter the speed of my stroking. As I touch his tip, I find it even softer, then the rest of his shaft and sometimes I stroke over his tip with special care, since his moans sound then especially wonderful.

Suddenly he grips my hand, pulling it away from him and out of his pant. I want to ask, what's wrong, if he doesn't like it, but when I see his smile, I doubt it.

"I won't last long, if you go on like this." I nod and feel suddenly so eager to continue.

I pull at the rim of his pants with both hands, looking at him with pleading eyes. "Please?" I ask, trying to give him something like a mock-pout.

Without an answer he helps me to pull his pants down, leaving my view free for his penis and my heart skips a beat. I immediately want to touch it again, but when Peeta pulls at my pants, I let that thought rest again.

When my pants land next to our other cloths on the floor, I look up at him and he meets my eyes with a light smile on his lips.

"See…" He says, traveling his eyes over my body, while I follow with mine. "You _are_ beautiful." I look over his body again. Over his well-defined chest, his stomach, his erection, down his thighs and finally over his artificial leg. I see scars here and there, just like on my body. I see burns. I see Peeta. "You are also beautiful. Very handsome."

I reach up to kiss him. Slowly. Just showing how much he means to me. And he shows the same to me. Our bodies are touching and this feeling of skin to skin is just amazing.

I feel his shaft press against my thigh and I pull away with a happy sigh.

Suddenly I remember something and I reach over to my nightstand. But I am not reaching it, since Peeta is on top of me and when he notices this, he reaches over himself, looking lightly confused. When he pulls the drawer open, his eyes are clearly fixed on the content. Suddenly his eyebrows rise.

"Do I want to know, where you got these?" He asks, still confused but now also lightly amused. I only grin nervously, as he pulls out a condom packet, holding it between two fingers.

"Later." I tell him, without voice, knowing that my wisdom will ruin the moment.

He looks at me for a moment, before he sighs and smiles, kissing the tip of my nose.

"You are absolutely sure?" I nod. "One hundred percent." I tell him without hesitation.

He sits up and next to me, opening the foil and he pulls the condom over his member. I watch him and when he blushes I know that he is aware of it.

Then he climbs back on top of me, kissing me, while he positions himself between my legs, spreading them wider in the progress.

I can feel his tip pressing against my middle and I take a look down, before he pulls my face back up to meet his eyes again. Immediately I lay my arms around his neck, while his are next to my head, keeping his weight off of me.

"Katniss." He says, with so much love it nearly moves me to tears. "Breathe and relax. And tell when it hurts. Tell me when you want to stop. Don't do this only for me. It's for us."

I nod, kiss him again, before I lay my head back on the pillow.

I want to see his face. His eyes. I want to see his emotions, when we make love.

Finally he moves forward. Just slowly. He enters me, while I wait. For pleasure or for pain. I am not sure.

It feels good and I want to sigh, but in the next moment something tears and I have to choke a scream. Peeta stops right at the moment. "No. Don't stop!" I suppose that the pain will vanish once he is completely inside of me. And so he moves again, making it hurt even more. I tense up and I dig my hands into the back of his neck.

"Just breathe." He tells me, when he is fully inside of me. I try to. But the pain is just disturbing. I knew that it would hurt. But I never that it would be that bad. I have experienced worse. But I was expecting so many good feelings, that everything bad was pressed in the tiniest corner of my head until that moment.

I feel tears on my cheeks and Peeta reaches up with one hand to brush them away. Soon enough he tells me that he loves me. Over and over again.

The pain slowly dims away. It's not entirety gone, but it won't bother me too much anymore. I relax slowly and finally I nod.

"Move." I say, stroking his back lightly.

He nods, but waits for another moment. Then, I feel him pulling out of me. Just a bit and then pushing back in. It hurts again, but I can handle this pain better now. He pulls out again and back in, carefully and gently.

Finally I can feel something. It's tickling between my legs, right where we are connected. I sigh happily.

Peeta pulls back more, making his strokes longer, making the pain vanish completely and the pleasure fill me up. He moans, his face awash with pleasure. He holds his eyes open, watching me.

"Peeta!" I gasp as that fire begins to burn again, pulling his face down to kiss him. It's nothing compared to our kisses before. It's more uncontrolled, more lustful and so perfect.

I wrap my legs around his hips, when he speed up his pace. A little quicker. A little harder. And a little Deeper. And a little painful again. I bite his lip by accident and he pulls away, looking perplexed, yet with lustful eyes at me.

"Sorry. It did hurt." I tell him quietly between moans, both filled with pleasure and pain. He becomes softer with his strokes again. "Okay." He tells me, his voice husky.

"It's just.." His breath his hitching, while he kisses me again, pulling away a moment later. "I can't…it's just too good." "It's okay." I whisper, feeling that wonderful pleasure again. "Come."

I lay my hands on his behind, stroking him lightly, kissing his chin, while I encourage him to finally let go.

And soon enough he does. I feel him shudder inside of me, when he comes. And he gasps my name loudly, his face filled with desire and pleasure. Then he collapses on top of me.

I listen to his breathing, which is soothing since a low ache slowly returns. I know that I am not even that close, like he was and I am glad that he finished.

I stroke his back, sweaty what I notice for the first time, while he tries to calm down.

"Katniss." He says, right to my ear, kissing my earlobe lightly. "I told you this wasn't only for me." I smile and one hand strokes over his head. "I know. And I wanted you to finish. When you feel good, I feel good, too." He sighs, knowing that he can't change my mind.

He slowly lifts himself up after some time and looks at me, pulling finally out of me. I already miss him inside of me. "Does it still hurt?" He asks in concern. "Yes." I admit, lowering my eyes, but then looking back at him. "And don't apologize! I knew our first time would hurt." He sighs in defeat, rolling next to me on the bed, pulling the condom off of him. "Yes. A little. But I wanted it to be perfect."

I cuddle against him, my head on his chest, while I lay one of my hands on his stomach, the other on mine, wishing that the pain will vanish. But I would call it as wonderful, since I know that it comes from making love with Peeta. His arms are around my within a second.

"It was perfect." I whisper, looking at him. I draw a lazy pattern on his stomach. "But I know you. You don't thinks so. But maybe we could have another try. I know it will be even better. Only if you want."

When I speak, I fear for a moment that Peeta wasn't very font of sex at all and the he never wants to do it again. I think I can live with it, although it will be hard, since I know how good it is and how much better it will become.

"Of course I want to! I mean, I want you to come one day along with me." I laugh lightly and that fear vanishes. "That sounds like a plan." "It's one. But beforehand I want to know, where these condoms are coming from. Did they jump into your nightstand overnight to have a fiesta?" I laugh harder and press myself closer to Peeta, while he laughs, too.

"Haymitch gave them to me." He stops laughing automatically and I begin to explain. That I talked with him about the event at the lake and that I needed an advice. The reason why I have drunk something. And that a few days ago Haymitch in the doorway appeared, holding a box of condoms in his hand. He said that he is happy for us that we aren't fighting anymore and he gave me the box, saying: "Just in case."

Peeta is silent throughout my story but a slow grin spreads over his lips at the end.

"Do we have to say thank you to him?" He asks in the end, highly amused. I shake my head. "No. And I don't want Haymitch to know something about us in this way. This is only for us meant." "Okay. I think I can't look into his eyes for a few months."

I smile, trying to make it seductive.

"You need only to look into my eyes for the next time." I feel him shudder beneath me and I know, that he understood my right. "I love you." He tells me, kissing the top of my head and then he makes himself comfortable, not bothering the light. He wants to sleep and so do I.

We lay there in silence, until Peeta sighs.

"Katniss?" He whispers, waiting to continue until I look up at him. I wait, then he whispers:

"You love me. Real or not Real."

I tell him, "Real." And smile.

**_****  
So, that was it, folks. Much longer than I first thought, but I so hope you like it.****  
I am already thinking about the next stories. But until we might meet again: See you and tell me, what you think :D**


End file.
